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News archived through April 2008.

Friday, November 14, 2008 - 12:12 AM
[Update by Frog]

If you have a website, you really shouldn't let news updates from more than two years ago still be sitting on your homepage, so I archived all of those and got them out of the way. Unfortunately, there are still some really old blog entries on the homepage, which will be archived eventually, as well.

I would really like to start blogging again, on that note. I don't know whether to do it here or on the other site. Here I can get a little more personal, at least.

I will update the pic and quote soon, as well. As usual, we're way past due, aren't we?

Working early.

Saturday, October 4, 2008 - 8:45 AM
[Update by Frog]

I am inexplicably awake before 9:00 on a Saturday morning, and even though I have a lot to do today, this is still something that never happens. I have a stinking suspicion that Amanda is in some way responsible for this, since she is awake and ready to go by 4:30 on most mornings. Eh...if it means getting more work done and having more free time to start rumors about professional athletes on internet message boards, I suppose it's worth it.

I can't make it to Will and Danielle's wedding today, so in their honor, today's new picture is of Will. Congratulations, you two! Hope to see you at Thanksgiving, maybe.

There is also a new quote, uttered last week when dodgeball miraculously happened! Will it happen again? I dunno. I hope so.

I realized that if I was at work today, I would have been working there for two years now. I just can't believe it's been that long. In a lot of ways, I'm still really enjoying my time there. In other ways...eh, not so much. But that's a topic for discussion for another day.

I have to get going. Man, I really need to archive the news on this site whenever I get a chance. See you all next time!

Ooh, ooh, almost on schedule!

Saturday, September 6, 2008 - 10:02 AM
[Update by Frog]

I only missed it by a couple of days! Maybe I'll finally be on schedule next time.

New pic and quote, as usual. Besides that, nothing new to report...yet.

However, it should be noted that football season started this week. As always, I wish the best of Luck to my Philadelphia Eagles and Cleveland Browns, and grim misfortune upon the New York Giants, New England Patriots, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Washington Redskins, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and Green Bay Packers.

A little better, but still not ideal.

Thursday, August 21, 2008 - 12:59 AM
[Update by Frog]

Well, this update was still technically late, but three weeks between updates is still a lot better than six weeks between updates like last time. Fortunately, this week's pic and quote are both really good, in my opinion, so maybe they will distract you from my incompetence long enough that you won't notice when the next update is inevitably late.

In the meantime, I'll keep being super busy.

Holy crap a site update!

Thursday, July 31, 2008 - 12:35 AM
[Update by Frog]

I'm sorry, guys. I've been such a jerk. I've been neglecting this site way too much lately. I need to go get some funny pictures and get back on the ball around here. And I need to put a lot more effort into better managing my time so that I actually make site updates on schedule.

The pic and quote have been updated. Maybe I can start doing that on a regular basis again. We'll see. Although, if I don't, Brett might cut my tongue out, so it would probably be a good idea to at least try.

New pic and quote!

Sunday, June 15, 2008 - 10:05 PM
[Update by Frog]

Finally, a picture update that doesn't involve Cole in any way! Not that Cole being involved is a bad thing or anything....

Also, Matt wins the award for the longest quote ever. I think. I probably should have done some research before making such an outlandish claim, but whatever.

Still planning on doing that blog I wanted to do that I mentioned in the last update. I was trying to get all of my old blogs organized before I did that, though, and while I've worked on it some, I still have quite a ways to go. Although, the next...oh, probably month or so is going to be absolutely nuts, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

Picture monopoly.

Thursday, May 22, 2008 - 11:50 PM
[Update by Frog]

Cole is monopolizing the picture updates on this site by apparently being the only one of us left who still does very crazy, very photographable things. The next picture update will probably be of Cole standing in a kiddie pool of Jell-O or vat of ramen noodles or something.

If time allows it (and I don't seem to have much of that these days), I'd like to do a blog pretty soon on being out of school for a couple of years now. (Doing blogs again in general would be nice.) I realized this whenever SEMO recently held its graduation, and I started wondering about how I'm doing and where I've gotten since graduating. Doesn't seem like far, but in another sense, I think maybe I have. But that's a topic for a future update. Until then, goodnight, and keep watching the skis.

What a bunch of crazy kids.

Thursday, May 1, 2008 - 9:13 PM
[Update by Frog]

Things are back to normal here with a new picture of us crazy kids doing crazy things.

I'm doing a sort of work-night thing here--trying to get a few things done I've been putting off for too long now. Curious to see how far I'll get. It's already not looking good.

Here's hoping the number of pic and quote updates increases over the next few weeks!

Another one of those sleepless Sunday nights....

Monday, December 10, 2007 - 12:45 AM
[Update by Frog]

I’m pretty sure I’ve spoken of this phenomenon in which I can’t sleep on Sunday nights here before, so I will spare you from that and just try to talk about what’s been going on lately…if anything.

For about a month now, I’ve been trying to get the staff to let me write a sports blog for the newspaper’s website. From what I understand, some of you don’t really like it when I write about sports here, so I figured I would just move it to a different venue. I really like writing about sports. I’m not an expert, I don’t understand much about it (which is why I never do much analysis or blabber about stats), and I’m probably not the most logical or rational sports fan. However, when it comes to the emotion, passion, frustration, and humor involved in playing the game, rooting for the teams I like, rooting against the teams I hate, and all of the issues surrounding my favorite sports, well, I just always seem to have a lot to say. And I’ll even go so far as to cast aside my incredible self-doubt for just a fraction of a moment and say that I think I could maybe provide them with something that a lot of people would enjoy reading, even if they don’t necessarily agree with my crackpot ramblings about my fear of teams I hate joining forces, or how I think there should be instances in which both competing teams can lose a game, among other observations.

Anyway, I don’t have it yet, and I don’t know if I’m gonna get it. I wanted to not tell anybody about it and then surprise everybody when it debuted, but I’ve chosen to vent my frustration instead. While my suggestion was met with initial enthusiasm, communication has since dried up, and subsequent emails I have sent haven’t gone anywhere. I don’t know if I was forgotten, or if it’s something nobody currently has time to address, or if they don’t want me to do it and are just not telling me. I sent another email yesterday asking for a definite yes or no so I can stop worrying about it. So, if you don’t mind, just hope for the best. I probably shouldn’t kid myself, though. I thought maybe I had an original idea, but when I thought harder about it, I figured they probably get 10 or 20 emails a day from people wanting to do sports blogs, in which case I probably shouldn’t be too disappointed if I don’t get to do it. I gave it a shot, if nothing else.

Also on the topic of work, I managed to break my email on Friday. The account name and stuff on my computer was still under the name of the person who used to sit where I sit now. Well, I’ve been working there like 13 months or something, so I got sick of her name being on there and changed it to mine. However, in doing so, I cut myself off from my own email, because the network was recognizing my computer based on the old username, and now that I changed the username, it can’t find me. I submitted a request for assistance to the IT guys. They are going to be very angry. But that’s okay—I’ve never really screwed anything up this badly at work before, so I was due. And it was time to change that username. 13 months. Come on.

Well, I’m finally getting a little tired, so I think I’ll try to pick this up again in a new entry sometime in the near future, as opposed to a couple of months from now.

Flash Entry!

Thursday, November 1, 2007 - 11:59 PM
[Update by Frog]

20 minutes until bedtime. Let’s see what I can get out there.

Was at work 13 hours today. Sick of working so much overtime. Every Thursday is a nightmare. I have to stay really late to get everything done by 5:00 PM Friday (if I’m lucky). This week is the nasty week of the month, so we’ll see how it goes tomorrow. Assuming I do things right the first time and don’t get interrupted by a bunch of late ads, I might be all right, but we’ll see. It hardly ever works out so well. I’m having a lot of difficulty lately striking a balance in time spent on ads. I either spend painfully too much time on them, or I whiz through them very quickly and forget to do half of the things I was supposed to do to them. But there is no longer any of that desired middle ground in which I can do things quickly and get them right. I also fear sleep deprivation is definitely starting to impact my performance. I need more sleep, and I think I have the time to get more sleep. That also hardly ever works out the way I want it to, though.

I’m noticing some pleasing increases in stamina during my evening runs. It’s getting to be the dark time of year, during which I find myself nearly running into people a lot. I’ve considered running in the mornings, but even the mere consideration seems like a fool’s errand—I’ll never be capable of waking up so early just to expend a lot of energy all at once. Instead, what I may do to counteract the darkness is to run in a circle, using the service road behind the dupe and the new sidewalk that connects to the trail down near the rugby pitch. It’s more boring than the trail, but it might keep me motivated when it’s already dark before I even get out of work. There are portions of the trail where you really can’t see where you’re going or what you’re stepping in when it’s that dark, so staying where it’s (sort of) lit might be a nice alternative. We’ll see.

The most exciting thing about football this year: It’s the NFL versus the New England Patriots, a classic battle of good versus evil, which the side of evil is handily winning at the moment. I’m rooting for the NFL, of course, even though all the other teams I hate are a part of this good guy faction, and teams I actually root for stand no chance. (Can I honestly say I’m looking forward to Eagles versus Patriots later this year? Ugh. It’ll be worse than that game against the Giants with all the sacks.) While I won’t go so far as to say I think the Patriots are running up the score on other teams (which I’m not entirely against, after seeing so many ridiculous comebacks), I do think they’re becoming the smug bullies of the league, who can get any player they want at any time and stomp everybody who opposes them. Tom Brady is untouchable in both the game and in life. He peed in my Mountain Dew and got all my girl friends pregnant, then didn’t get sacked for five straight games. Come on. Somebody beat these guys. Bonus points to the first man who can successfully lodge an object in Brady’s chinhole.

That’s it for me. Goodnight.

Written "with an intensity unknown to mankind."

Monday, October 15, 2007 - 11:46 PM
[Update by Frog]

Jim Harbaugh said that was how he was going to approach his job as head football coach at Stanford. I thought it was really funny in a sensational sort of way, so I stole it. Several times.

Also, I was happy to see that my brother’s prediction that the Patriots and Cowboys would meet at the center of the field, hug, and form an unstoppable super team did not come true. Instead they battled as two undefeated teams in the NFL usually do—it was close for awhile, but then one of the teams pulled ahead by a thousand touchdowns. I was happy to see one team lose, but it filled me with utter disgust that the other team had to win for that to happen. Desperately yearning for some kind of “double loss” stipulation or scenario just ended up being a big disappointment.

Meanwhile, my Eagles continue to play pretty good defense against mediocre offenses, holding the pantywaist Jets to a measly nine points. However, Brian Westbrook and Kevin Curtis remain the Eagles’ only offensive weapons. And fortunately for Donovan McNabb’s back and tenderized innards, he was sacked nine less times than in the previous game.

In regards to the baseball playoffs, I was happy to see the Cubs casually swept aside. I don’t want teams like the Yankees or Red Sox winning the World Series, but I figure they will again eventually either by aura or by talent or by absurd payroll, so it’s difficult to root against them with the same intensity that I root against the Cubs. I never want the Cubs to ever win another World Series. That, readers, is a cause to really get behind.

Of the remaining teams, even though the Diamondbacks rank highest on my list, I’m rooting for the Rockies, as pretty much everybody else is. But really, as long as the Diamondbacks, Rockies, or Indians eliminate the Red Sox somewhere along the line, I’ll be perfectly content.

And I guess I probably need to make some updates to that baseball list. And actually finish my football list.

I sit here writing this on a Sunday night, and I’m probably staying up too late in order to do so. However, I never really get very much sleep on Sunday nights. During the week I never get more than six hours of sleep in a given night, and then on the weekends I sleep a lot (well, sometimes), and I have all this energy to burn, and I’m never tired when I need to go to bed. At least I think that’s what happens. Now I’m just wondering if I’ll sit here and write the whole thing, or if I’ll pack it in and finish it tomorrow.

Yup, tomorrow….

*The following evening….*

I finally fixed the front door of the dupe. You know, the one with the broken off handle. This is good because now the dupe looks less like a place where vagrants congregate and hold illegal cockfights.

However, that good looking door is also attracting some unwanted visitors. A dude came to my front door to sell me steaks today. Normally I would have been intrigued by such an offer, but his sales pitch was uncomfortably askew. He arrived in an unmarked truck that didn’t even seem to have the means necessary to transport a large amount of cold meat. He told me he was in the neighborhood to drop off some meat for the Rezettis down the street, but they couldn’t take everything he had, so he was going door to door selling the meat at market value. Well, I don’t know the Rezettis, and therefore I don’t know if they actually live down the street or not. I detected some sort of clever ruse and politely said I wasn’t interested, but asked if I could have a business card or some kind of information for future reference. He said he only had brochures in the truck with coupons for repeat customers. So, with no evidence to support that he was, in fact, a legitimate business at all (or even an illegitimate business), I would not follow him to the truck to check out his selection of meats, in fear I may become part of the selection. Although, I probably shouldn’t have shown any interest, because now I think he may actually come back. Really nice guy, though, but I guess that’s how they get you.

The unfortunate part about all of this is that he could be at home right now, eating the best steak he’s ever had. And it could be mine! How do I know if I’ve really missed out on a great deal, or successfully preserved my own life?!

My car told me one of my tires was low. Technology has either become too fantastic or too frightening. I can’t decide which.

I’ve been getting the stink eye from a lot of people lately while running on the trail. Usually it’s just the women, but now the guys seem put off by me, as well. Am I doing it wrong or something? I can’t see how I’m being that offensive, but I’m getting a lot of really nasty glares. The only thing I can think of is that I’m usually thinking really hard about stuff while I run, so maybe I am giving everybody who passes me an unintentional, hard-thinking stink eye and just haven’t realized it, and they are simply returning the favor. I dunno.

Still not getting a lot of work done, but it has been a busy and stressful couple of weeks, particularly with regards to my real job, which is usually the main killer of my motivation. So that’s not a good combination. But somewhere along the line, I suppose I’ll figure it all out.

That’s all I’ve got this time around. I’ll try and do better next time.

Lack of appreciation.

Friday, October 5, 2007 - 12:35 AM
[Update by Frog]

I’m getting really irritated with myself because I keep starting to write blog entries, but then I don’t finish them, and by the time I get around to finishing them, everything I wrote is irrelevant or out of date. I’ll try to do a better job this time.

One of my folders is missing. There isn’t even anything in it, really—just a pad of paper and my resume (which I can always print another copy of). I don’t need those things right now. In fact, I don’t need the folder right now, either. I’m just mad that I can’t find it. It’s the folder I take on job interviews with me. I took it when I got the job at the paper. And now I’m trying to retrace my steps over the past year to figure out where it went.

Did I leave it at the paper the day of the interview? Quite possible—I was pretty nervous that day. Did I drop it on the way back to my car? Also possible. It is at my parents’ house? It could be, but I can’t think of a reason why I would take it there. Did somebody borrow it? That seems weird, but I guess it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Did I leave it in the Frogmobile when I was moving stuff from it to the Mark II? Is it in the Mark II right now? I dunno. It’s probably just in a box in here somewhere, but I forgot which one. I turned my room upside down (and got a bit of needed cleaning done in the process) looking for it, but no luck.

I really want that folder. Incredibly irritated at the moment. I know I just saw it, and now there’s no sign of it ever even existing. Guess that’s how it goes sometimes. Hopefully it’ll turn up. I’m really starting to think otherwise, though.

I haven’t been getting enough work done lately on the stuff I want to work on. Too many distractions—changing of roommates, cleaning and minor repairs around the house, my day job, trying to beat Fallout 2 night after night (which I finally did), exciting sports on TV, and delays and boredom with web design, which is amusing because just a few weeks ago I was excited about getting to do some new web designing, which I haven’t done for a long time. I need to get over this hump already, make time for myself to work. Because my real job is not going to get any easier, I’ll soon start playing another video game, and sports on TV is only going to get more exciting from here on out. If I’m really passionate about these things that I do, I’ll find the time to work on them.

That’s the problem, though—I don’t know that I am passionate about it. If I was, I’d be getting crap done all the time. I’d draw every damn day. But I don’t. I know real life gets in the way sometimes, but is it really that big of an obstacle? Well, occasionally it is, but definitely not as often as I might lead you to believe. Then again, it’s also difficult for me to really define my passions, because I don’t think I’m passionate about very much stuff. Maybe sports and some video games, but that’s probably about it. I don’t have a favorite movie, I don’t know the names of all the members of my favorite bands (well, some of them), and I can’t even give any real, definite reasons for liking the things that I like. Is that normal? Am I ever going to make anything of myself at this rate? Do I even like doing the things I want to do when I “grow up?” You’d just think I’d be more into them.

I’ve been fixing some broken things and cleaning up around the house, which feels pretty good. I feel slightly more handy than I used to, which, for me, is a good feeling. A very good feeling. I still need to tackle that disgusting shower, though….

Today marked exactly one year of me working at the newspaper. Fastest year of my life.

In the meantime, I’m trying to re-develop my appreciation for running. Ever since I’ve gotten back into the swing of things after my ankle injury, it’s been all about getting into shape. But my evenings on the La Croix trail have been, and should once again be, so much more than just attempts to eliminate flabbiness. It’s fun to go out there and try to go a little farther or a little faster than the last time. It becomes ritual, passing the same landmarks and occasionally the same people on each trip, leaping the same potholes while hearing the same dogs barking from their territories on the other side of the creek. It becomes meditation as I pound out all the built up frustrations from work and from life. In the summer, the trail is congested—little kids chasing each other on bikes, athletes maintaining themselves, elderly couples out for an evening stroll, and families walking the dog. In the winter, it’s often just me and my music braving the cold, either out of stupidity or necessity. On the rare occasion somebody else is dumb enough to be out in the nasty weather, we give each other the courtesy of a nod or a wave and press on. Or if it’s a girl, she usually just looks the other way or gives me the stink eye, probably because I’m a creep or something. There are those certain energizing songs on the mp3 player that give me a burst of speed and adrenaline for just a few short moments, not unlike grabbing an invincibility star. Those moments are always exciting. So are the times when I have to race a thunderstorm home. In passing I watch the baseball games and the football practices, the rugby players and the folks at the driving range, wondering what the score is or if they’re ready for their next game, or if the golfers are going to slice one on purpose and try to peg me in the back of the head. They haven’t hit me yet. Finally, there are those unfortunate times when I’ll see a girl I liked somewhere along the line pass me with her boyfriend in tow. No words are spoken, and existences are not acknowledged. But what does come to mind is what a dope I am for ever thinking I have a shot in the first place. I try not to worry too much about that sort of thing anymore, though. I just keep going.

Just gotta keep going.

Probably the most mediocre week ever.

Friday, August 24, 2007 - 12:20 AM
[Update by Frog]

It all started on Sunday (the day upon which weeks typically start) when I came home to the dupe to find that the air conditioner froze up. And it didn’t thaw and completely drain until 7AM the next morning. Not sure what the problem is—I just changed the filters not that long ago. Might be low on Freeon or something. I don’t really know anything about air conditioners. I will direct the problem to the landlord the next time we speak, as much as I hate asking for assistance. The air conditioner is running properly now, but we are not pushing it very hard. At least we have one, though—I am too much of a weiner to imagine life without it. One night without it was bad enough. At least the lack of sleep gave me plenty of time to think, though those thoughts usually turn to unpleasant things when I’m trying to get to sleep.

The work week has been unusually stressful with the regional football preview and a couple of other special sections coming out soon. I was swamped, and then I got caught up for about two minutes, and now I’m behind again. My satisfaction with the job is waning a little bit, I think, but it’s mostly my fault because I don’t give myself the opportunity to enjoy it. I’m familiar enough with everybody there that I don’t really play the game where I sneak proofs onto the salespeople’s desks anymore. But at the same time, I still very rarely have any actual conversation with anybody there. God knows I’m never going to start a conversation with anybody, and when people try to start conversations with me, I’m too much of a retard to keep up. I was always hoping that maybe someday I would develop some social skills, but I’m still as much of a weirdo as ever. It usually leaves me pretty discouraged by the end of the work day. I’m trying to better myself, to connect, to feel like a part of the team. Maybe I’m just not there yet, but it makes me worry. Then again, maybe it’s just not my place in the world to be good at that sort of thing. I’d like to open up more to people, in general—coworkers, friends, and family. I don’t really talk to any of them enough. I don’t know how much people really know me. Maybe they know me really well, and maybe they don’t know me at all. I can’t tell. All I know is I don’t help matters one bit.

I woke up Monday morning feeling the first effects of my late-summer allergies. I have an incredibly sore throat and a cough, which will soon be followed by coke eyes and a complete inability to breathe. Great way to start the week.

My exercising didn’t really go very well this week. I simply haven’t felt that well, for one thing. No energy at all—no sleep, and my metabolism keeps getting more screwed up all the time. I never thought I’d say it, but I don’t think I eat enough anymore. I ran once this week, didn’t go as far as I should have, and felt really sick when I got home, probably a combination of too much heat and being out of shape/having poor metabolism. I really haven’t had the desire to go out again since then. I thought maybe my whole “love cold, hate heat” trait was fading, but it has become quite clear trying to do anything in this weather that I’m not engineered for these temperatures. It can’t stay one thousand degrees forever, though. I’m hoping maybe highs will only be in the 80s again by mid-November or so. Maybe by then my ankle will be totally better, too.

My problems with sleep are getting worse. As always, it takes one to two hours just to fall asleep. Then I usually wake up within a half-hour or an hour, and my mind is full of delirious sleep gibberish, which I typically have to fight my way through in order to get to sleep again. That usually takes another half-hour or hour. After that I’m usually okay for the rest of the night, but I usually wake up one to five minutes before the alarm goes off, which is unspeakably frustrating. I don’t really do anything stressful before going to bed (aside from talk on MSN, which is sometimes stressful, but not always), so I don’t understand why this happens all the time. I imagine the lack of sleep also makes work a little more miserable and generally makes everything harder to do. It doesn’t matter when I go to bed or how tired I am—the results are always about the same.

But despite all of that, it was still kind of a productive week. I am taking some (very) slow steps towards getting my ass in gear.

I can’t muster anymore. Time to go wait around for a couple of hours before I fall asleep.

Trying to get my swagger back.

Thursday, August 16, 2007 - 10:03 PM
[Update by Frog]

I’m pretty sure that’s some ridiculous new sports lingo, presumably used whenever a player underachieves for a time and needs to improve his or her play in order to provide the team with a boost or something like that. The lingo is used inappropriately in this case, as I have never had, nor will I ever have, swagger. The best I can do is shamble, and that’s on a good day.

All of that is neither here nor there, however. Regarding getting my shamble back, I’m officially back on a regular exercise schedule. My near-perpetual ankle injury is still lingering, but I think it actually is continuing to improve with time. I also bought new shoes with good arch support (as recommended by my doctor) and these seem to be helping to an extent, although I haven’t had them long enough to tell just how much of a difference they’re making. I have noticed that with these shoes, my feet no longer turn in when I walk, which is supposed to take pressure off the injured area of the foot, so it would seem they are doing their job in that regard.

However, I have picked the absolute worst time of the year to get back on schedule, now that temperatures are exceeding one thousand degrees and all of the once-happy sunbeams shining delicately on our planet have become deathrays of misery. Those, combined with me once again being out of shape thanks to a month of little to no activity, make it a rough go. I’m kind of sick of having to start over all the time, but I guess that’s the way it goes, and I’ll deal with it. I’m just happy to be active again. Although, I can barely run a quarter of a mile in the heat without getting sick.

I also started lifting weights again and doing push-ups and crap. It has apparently been much longer than I realized since I last did anything like that…ow.

I’ve also started to work on all of my zillions of projects again. One of my short stories has entered what I hope to be the final editing process, and I have another one that I believe I’ve mentioned before on here that needs a new ending. I’m kind of stumped right now, but I’m putting actual effort into developing a new ending, so I’m considering it progress nevertheless. I don’t know if the stories are actually good or not. I hope they are—everybody in my creative writing class enjoyed them when they went through peer editing, if that means anything.

In addition to this, moving the websites to their new server has me really excited about web design and just flat-out having websites. I think I’m going to do a bit of redesigning and maybe modernize things a little bit, depending on how much new coding I’m willing to learn. There are a couple of really neat features that could be added to make things a little more interactive and fun. I’d also like to make a dedicated page for the weblog instead of just slapping entries onto the homepage like I’ve been doing. I also wouldn’t mind naming the weblog instead of just calling it “weblog,” but I don’t know what to name it…yet.

Barry Bonds surpassed 756 home runs somewhere along the line. Yes, he is a good player. Yes, hitting 756+ home runs in a career, despite possible foul play, is remarkable. Yes, he has handled himself extraordinarily well this season. But he’s still a prick and he’s still a fraud, and the sad thing is that I have a bad feeling everybody will forgive him in the end some years down the road. I often joke that Bonds will probably end up being the only player during the so-called “steroid era” to NOT use any illegal performance-enhancing drugs. He will make the Hall of Fame while other questionably enhanced athletes such as McGwire and Sosa will be left out. And I don’t like that. The argument perpetually raised is that Bonds was a great player before he allegedly used any illegal substances—great enough for the Hall of Fame, even. But why does that make it okay? Sure, he was good, but he didn’t break any records until he was a superhuman, so how are we to know he really was good enough? In my opinion, sports writers will have to take a stand and either leave all the steroids-era players out of the Hall of Fame, or put them all in. I’m not too comfortable with the idea of some guys who set records and helped define a part of baseball history being left out because “we think they may have cheated,” while others from the same era get in because “they were still good enough, even though we think they may have cheated.” In the end, they should probably just let them all in, or there will be a never-ending shitstorm for the next 20 years as nobody will be able to agree on which players are legit and which players don’t belong. Besides, there is always something in baseball that skews the numbers. Steroids have skewed the last 20-25 years. During the Dead Ball Era, the raised mound and sheer quality and quantity of pitching talent held hitting down. There are whole generations of potentially eligible players from days prior to integration that will never see the Hall of Fame because they were black and toiled in obscurity. There’s always something.

To the St. Louis Cardinals: Ride the momentum. RIDE it! Do NOT lay down for the Cubs. This roadtrip may define your season, and there are four more games to be played. It’s not over yet. We haven’t given up yet, so don’t let us down. Everything is in your favor right now, so if there was ever a time to peak, by God, this is it. Don’t give the Cubs any reason to believe they haven’t run into an unstoppable buzzsaw.

That is all of the sports-related ranting I can do at the moment. I have to go talk to friends and/or work on stuff I want to work on. Yes sir, everything is alllllll right….

Late Entry.

Friday, August 3, 2007 - 11:52 PM
[Update by Frog]

[I actually wrote this last Sunday, but the website server crash delayed its posting until now.]

Really, I just want to see if I’m still capable of doing an entry without having to take a break at some point and think about what I’m going to say for hours or even days at a time, which usually makes me not want to do them at all. The things I want to talk about either become out of date or outright irrelevant by the time I get them typed. It’s very disappointing, to be honest. I’ve been thinking about these sorts of things for awhile lately. There are all kinds of stuff I want to do, but I no longer seem willing to do the work that goes into them. Which, at this rate, I’ll never do any of the stuff I want to do, and I’ll get stuck in a rut and be working at the newspaper for the next 20 years, all the while still single and living in piles of my own filth (and perhaps some cat filth, as well), pining for days long gone. I cannot allow this to happen. I spend far too much time just sitting around and thinking, or sitting around and wasting time. I think about the same things that bother me over and over again, rather than doing anything fun. I wish I knew why I do that all the time. Much of what I worry about is out of my hands, anyway, so I don’t know why I’m so willing to let it consume me.

Comics and stories and fun stuff await. I just have to stop being such a lazy and do some damn work for once.

Anyway, as a departure from recent trends, I’m going to try to do an entire entry in one sitting. I have softball in about two hours and 15 minutes, so that is my time limit. Plus, there is no reason an entry should ever take that long in the first place. Let’s get to work.

Last Friday, I allowed myself a day off from work and left town for Chicago at about 3 in the morning for a long overdue visit to my brother. I had initially asked for this Friday off to go to the dodgeball tournament in Schaumburg the same weekend, but that plan fell through. However, some months ago I told my brother that if for any reason we ended up not going to that tournament, I would just go up and visit that weekend instead. And that’s what I did. He and his wife just moved to a new house in South Elgin, and I figured it was high time for a visit. To give you an idea of how long it’s been since I’d last visited them, I never actually saw the last apartment they lived in, and they lived there for about 4 years or so. They come down here a lot, so I owed them one. It turns out my sister-in-law actually had to go out of town, so it was just my brother and me. And his cats. They’re fun.

I really couldn’t have asked for a better weekend. The weather was surprisingly cool and not humid. When I left home at 3 in the morning, it was 75 degrees here, but the temperature got down to 59 degrees at one point about halfway to Chicago before it started going up again. And, walking around downtown on Saturday morning, it was almost uncomfortably cool—I really liked that. We went to the Art Institute, we ate at a number of fine restaurants, found a nice comic book store, bought crap we didn’t need, I finally found a left-handed baseball glove, we went to the Ikea store (I really just wanted to look around inside), rode the train, explored the western suburbs a little, played video games, watched movies and wrestling and baseball, and even found time to catch up on sleep, although both mornings up there I was rudely awakened by the sun shining brightly through a very high window and directly onto the living room couch. But that was okay. I just wish I’d had more time up there.

The trip was thoroughly refreshing. This past week was the best week I’ve had at work for a long time. This probably means I should allow myself a few more days off here and there, as this was the first day off I’d taken in nine and a half months of working there.

I have a few things to say about the Cardinals. I was going to say that the season is over, but I guess by taking 3 of 4 from the Brewers, they have delayed that for maybe a week or so. They could make a big jump by smashing the lesser Pirates and Nationals, their next two opponents. But they’ll probably lose all momentum for no reason and drop two of three to each of these teams.

As a staunch proponent of good pitching, the Cardinals irritate the hell out of me. The grand experiment of spending zero dollars to maintain the existing pitching staff, electing instead to replace them with super-athletic cyborgs, has failed. Mostly because super-athletic cyborgs haven’t been invented yet. Instead, the starting rotation was assembled from bullpen components and stiffs like Kip Wells, whom I’ve been pulling for all the way, but…well, I don’t think it’s gonna work out, despite a couple of recent quality starts. Wainwright, Looper, and Thompson have all been all right, but just all right. Looper has probably been most impressive, considering he is coming off a 10-year stint as a reliever, whereas the other two are supposed to be good young starting prospects (despite Wainwright’s bullpen success last season). I just think they would have been better off just spending the extra $4 or 5 million necessary to keep both Suppan and Weaver, rather than being so cheap, but who am I to say? As much as I hate the high-dollar world of baseball, you can’t just refuse to spend money where all the other teams will. You can’t sign any players that way.

The bullpen has been great all season, and the patchwork rotation occasionally shows signs of brilliance, but for every 6+ inning quality start, there seem to be four or five savage beatdowns that take the Cardinals out of the game by the second or third inning. They still have so much to prove if they really want to be contenders.

I’m hoping to see a doctor sometime this week in order to check out my ankle, which is still not better. I can walk on it without pain or discomfort, but doing anything else hurts it. I can feel myself getting fat and out of shape again. I have to exercise or else my body degenerates into a glob of fat slime. I hope I don’t have a serious problem with my ankle and it’s just something that will go away with a little more time.

That should be enough material for this installment. See you next time.

Etcetera.

Monday, June 25, 2007 - 12:12 AM
[Update by Frog]

Written over the course of last week. Sorry. New pic and quote to come later tonight, I hope.

*MONDAY*

It’s raining outside. I wasn’t entirely certain that sort of thing still happened around here. Not only were we in dire need of rain, but this will also provide a quick and easy fix to all of (no, probably just some of) the bug goo piling up on my windshield.

Unfortunately, it did not rain like this any earlier in the day. It rained for about 2 seconds sometime during the afternoon, causing it to feel about a thousand degrees hotter outside than it already was. Naturally, I went out running in this stifling haze and about made myself sick—I couldn’t run very fast or very far, but at least I went out and did it, regardless. I almost didn’t. The heat surely didn’t help, but I figure the fact that I ate at Lambert’s on Wednesday, had nothing but pizza and fried chicken on Friday and Saturday, and then had Red Lobster on Sunday probably also contributed to my sluggishness. But hey, at least no desirable, yet unattainable women rode past me on bicycles this time, and that always makes things a little less miserable.

This weekend we had an auction at my grandparents’ old estate in New Wells. It went very well, but the whole day had an eerie nostalgia to it. Ultimately this is a sale that nobody wanted to see happen, simply because my grandparents mean such a great deal to so many people. They played a huge role in so many lives, as family, as friends, as store owners, as churchgoers, you name it. And to see much of the accumulation of their lives separated and sold off to a throng of auction-goers was somewhat disheartening to many. But at the same time, it was something that had to happen—Grandpa is no longer of this earth, and Grandma is in the nursing home and won’t be returning to her New Wells residence. It is better that these items or memories or whatever you wish to consider them are to be are passed on to those who will use and appreciate them, rather than be left in unoccupied buildings where they would eventually succumb to disuse, or be ransacked by goons that could never know their true value.

And so began saying goodbye to my grandparents’ former homestead. The property itself is still to be sold, but both who and what made it another home to me are gone now. I just hope the property is sold to someone who will take good care of it. I am definitely glad the auction is over, though—we’ve been working and planning for it for about three months now.

*LATER THAT WEEK*

So the whole eating breakfast thing hasn’t helped out as much as I was hoping it would. I still feel pretty awful at the end of the work day. Are you supposed to feel like that? Can no amount of sustenance remedy it? Although, I guess I have neglected to take into account the fact that I never get enough sleep. And while I never fall asleep at work, a lack of sleep is probably also contributing to feeling crappy by the afternoon hours. But let’s not kid ourselves—I can make positive lifestyle changes, but there’s no way the amount of sleep I get is going to be improving significantly anytime soon. The only problem with that is that my weekends have been so busy lately that I haven’t had much time to catch up on sleep, but I’m not quite sure of the impact that is having on my everyday life—perhaps more so than I’ve realized?

And speaking of work, it’s absolutely killing me this week. I was there until almost 7 Wednesday night, and then Thursday was as stressful as ever. Sometimes I get the feeling I’m becoming too reliable. I very rarely turn down extra work if they ask me to do it, because I’m trying to be a good employee and just get stuff done that nobody else is going to want to do in the first place. But where do I draw the line? I’m willing to put in the extra time if they need me to, but I don’t want to become the go-to guy who can be pushed into anything. I’ll just burn out faster, at that rate. But at the same time, I wonder if maybe I have the same amount of work as everyone else and just work slow? I don’t want to voice a concern about me getting too much work, and it actually turns out everybody else is doing more work than I am. Basically, I just need to learn when to say no. I’m sure they would understand.

I am also in need of two (2) testicles. I’m sure that would help out a great deal. In all aspects of life. Well, except for “fewest testicles” contests.

So long for now.

"There it is in the rearview mirror."

Monday, June 4, 2007 - 11:03 PM
[Update by Frog]

I don’t know what it is. Maybe my metabolism is churning at a pace it hasn’t churned at for years. Maybe it’s just the fact that I’m getting older. All I know is one thing is certain….

I’m going to have to start eating breakfast again.

This is something I stopped doing regularly a good eight years or so ago, and it has never really been an issue until recently. I’ve noticed at work I’m getting headaches, feeling nauseous and often getting the shakes. I also eat a light lunch, so this probably doesn’t help. But where my body used to be able to sustain itself without food all day with ease, it is now struggling to do so. In those woeful college years I could arrive at school at 8:00 AM and often go without any sustenance at all until early afternoon, the 5:00 hour, and even after 9:00 on those unending days when I had night classes. Apparently these days have passed. Even with a light lunch, I find myself frequently unable to resist buying sodas and junk food from the breakroom machines to help me get through the day, and by the time I go home, I am wracked with ravenous hunger, which is then usually compounded by the fact that I run 2-3 days a week upon getting home from work.

As much as I dislike the idea of getting up even earlier, it will probably be a lot better for me in the long run instead of bunching three or four meals into an approximately 6-7 hour period like I usually do. Apparently you’re supposed to eat all day, which is preposterous—I don’t have time for that. But I guess I’ll try it out for awhile and see if things improve. Y’know, assuming I can get up in the morning, which is far from a guarantee.

Today was the semi-annual spraying of the dupe for bugs. I think I’ve only seen two spiders this entire calendar year, but one of those was last night, when a brown recluse elected to emerge from hiding and skitter across the floor directly toward me, causing me to freak out and almost fall over backwards in my chair. I don’t know where it went during the ensuing chaos, though I’d guess it’s sitting in one of my shoes or on the backside of my bathroom towel (which actually did happen one time). Fortunately, the dupe is not infested with spiders like it was last summer. The first time I sprayed the house, I couldn’t count on all of my digits the number of spiders I saw die in pools of poisonous spray on that fateful night. Thank goodness things are under control today.

As I type this, they are probably dive-bombing from the ceiling.

We had a little more trouble with the air conditioner recently. This time it was an issue with condensation backing up due to a clog in the drainage system (or torso chute, as I like to call it). But I think I took care of that, too…for now.

I got a 75-cent raise at work a couple of weeks back. That was pretty cool and seems like a pretty big raise. I was happy about that. Mostly I just try to not piss people off or run into people when I’m up walking around. I guess I’m doing an adequate job of that right now. On my evaluation they said I’m a little slow at times, and too introverted, but those were the same things I said about myself on my self-evaluation. I’m sure I’ll continue to improve in both areas in time.

On the issue of me needing to do more creative things, I have stepped it up a little bit, but things are still moving pretty slowly. This weblog is coming just two weeks after the previous one, so that indicates mild improvement. I’m also writing in my other journal more, which none of you see, but it needs attention, as well, and helps to keep me in the habit of writing in general. And I wrote a script for a future comic strip last night. So I’m getting back into the groove when it comes to writing, but my drawing habits are still languishing a bit. I will tackle that soon as well, however. I think I’m going to give the comic strip site a mild redesign, as well—I can debut it when I start posting comics again!

I had a pretty good time at the camping/float trip. As usual, I couldn’t sleep worth a damn, but I guess that’s part of the draw of camping trips. I assumed that my giant freak head would be covered in bug bites in the morning since I slept in the grass, but there isn’t a single one on there. And no ticks, either, unless they’ve already burrowed into me.

I don’t get to play video games enough anymore. I really don’t. It’s sad. I play my DS on the weekends more than anything. Usually my issue is I’m not reading enough. I finally found time to do that without having to sacrifice time doing other things, but now I’ve somehow lost the time to play video games.

I don’t really have anything else to report that I’m willing to talk about here. This was fairly brief, and nothing very exciting or insightful, but I hope you enjoyed this little slice-of-life entry.

Some things need to change –or– I will never get a chance to finish this entry.

Thursday, May 17, 2007 - 10:30 PM
[Update by Frog]

According to my records, I’ve been trying to do this weblog entry since April 19.

PART ONE: QUASI-SELF-MOTIVATIONAL BABBLING

I need to get back in the groove of things here. In a lot of ways. I’m getting complacent. Andy and I talked about this once several months ago, about becoming content with my day job and more or less forgetting about working towards what I really want to do in favor of sleep and doing fun things or hanging out with my friends. There’s nothing wrong with any of that stuff, believe me. But the creative output got lost somewhere along the line, and now I want it back. I know I complain frequently in the weblog about my lack of creative output. But it’s different this time—it’s been quite some time since I’ve let it dry up to this degree. Not only do I not do anything anymore, but now every time Joe Ettling sees me, he’s been making backhanded remarks about how there haven’t been any new comic strips for a thousand weeks now. I find these remarks offensive, but also completely accurate. I will admit, the comic strip hiatus is the result of both work and dissatisfaction with my artwork. There is still a lack of detail that is, for me, off-putting. In addition to that, my characters lack expression and body language, and end up looking too stiff almost 100% of the time. Even when I try to make sure to get their look down exactly the way I want it, it still comes out looking bland or mechanical. But I guess I’m never going to present myself an opportunity to fix these things if I don’t get back to work.

I have some ideas for a couple of other series of comic strips, as well. But if I can’t put work into the one comic strip I already have going, I don’t have any business getting involved with any new ones.

Ironically, around the same time I wrote this, a whole horde of people all at once started telling me to start drawing again, so I guess I should probably do that.

I was also just looking through a few old short stories of mine. One is finished, and I am completely satisfied with it. One of them is finished, and entertaining, but needs a new ending. Another one is about baseball, and I think it has a lot of potential, but it needs to be severely retooled. The last I think will be the best of them all, but it’s only about a quarter or so complete, and I’m afraid of working on it because I’m afraid it will get repetitive, and I’m looking for a way around that. I really want to finish these things because I think they might actually be good, and I never think about any of my stuff in such a way.

There’s other unmentioned stuff, too. As you can see, I need to get to work.

I think about Scott Kurtz, creator of PvP, or the Penny Arcade guys, or any number of other webcomics personalities, or other comic book guys or writers or whatever. They get to go to work in their own office that they’ve acquired (legally, I might add) through hard work and determination. They go to their office to draw their comic strip. Or they go there to write their stories. Or do whatever it is they do. That’s what I want to do. I’ve been thinking about it since Kurtz recently moved his operation out of his home and into his own office. I’m never going to be a rock star or webcomics mogul, and that’s all right—I don’t really care much about that part of it. That’s not really the point. But I’m realizing the thought of reporting for work in the morning every day to write stories about baseball or draw pictures of robots smoking cigarettes is my dream. And I don’t know if it will ever happen or not, but it would certainly beat sitting in a corner in an office not my own with a dead rat stuffed in my mouth. (That’s not to say my current work is bad. It is, in fact, quite good. But as I’ve told everybody, I don’t want to do it forever.)

Also, it turns out I’m not in very good shape. I thought I was doing okay, but according to softball and ultimate Frisbee, I am not. Therefore, I’m just going to assume that I never was in shape in the first place and approach exercising as if I am starting from the beginning. I’m pretty sure I had become complacent in these endeavors, as well. I always add distance when I go running, but I was walking too much of the trail instead of running. I also took a week and a half off when I was working a lot of overtime a couple of weeks ago, so that didn’t help, either. Today was the first time I’ve actually felt pretty good running since coming off that brief hiatus.

PART TWO: EVERYTHING ELSE

The air conditioner at the dupe seems to have officially broken. I’m sure many of you will be angry with me because of this, but you’ll just have to deal. Fortunately, it’s not August. The outside unit runs, but no air blows from the vents in the house. The filter was clogged (and replaced), and now I’m waiting for the block of ice that has frozen around one of the pipes to melt before I try to run it again. Still, I don’t think that’s the problem—we had filter issues last summer, but I don’t think it kept the air from blowing. Then again, I could be mistaken. If I can’t figure it out and fix it myself, I’ll just call the landlord. I wish I was more mechanically inclined. My knowledge is limited to just computers and video game consoles, really. And toilets and bathroom fans—I have to fix those things a lot. But that’s it.

[Edit: I fixed the air conditioner…I think. Turns out it was the filter…I think.]

Softball is off to a slow start. We’re 0-4, and our games keep getting rained out, which is irritating because they haven’t been announcing the rainouts like they are supposed to, which has resulted in me having to drive all the way to Frohna from Cape on a couple different occasions only to find there is no softball game. I didn’t mind so much the first time, but I was pretty angry the second time it happened. Sorry, I don’t live in Frohna, so I can’t just assume that there won’t be a game because I CAN’T SEE HOW MUCH IT RAINED THERE! I don’t want to just not show up and find out later that we had a game and I missed it—I’m just trying to be a reliable ballplayer. My play time has been somewhat diminished because I suck, so it’s justified and gives me additional motivation to work hard. I don’t remember the last time I felt so uncomfortable and unprepared playing softball as I do now. Even when I don’t screw up, I still somehow end up feeling as though I’ve done something wrong. Then again, I tend to feel that way about everything I do. I also need a new glove, but it would appear local stores no longer carry gloves for left-handed players (or perhaps never did). Well, Hibbett Sports had some, but the only adult ones they had that I trusted were like $100. I guess I’ll order one off of the internet, perhaps. That doesn’t really sound like the best approach to finding a glove that’s right for me, though. I can’t touch it or try it on or anything. I don’t know that I’m comfortable with that. If nothing else, I guess I could go to Dick’s Sporting Goods in St. Louis—I hear enough of their commercials on the Pardon the Interruption podcast that my defenses can’t possibly hold up forever.

That’s enough this time around.

The webbest of logs.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - 1:15 AM
[Update by Frog]

Hey man, they were the ones who started using “web” as an adjective in the first place. As far as I’m concerned, I’m allowed to manipulate it as I please.

And for the record, there will be a pic and quote update tomorrow. I have been meaning to do a weblog entry for a week and a half now, and I find myself trying to pump this thing out virtually every night. But as usual, things keep coming up, and it never seems to get done. Fortunately, many of these distractions that come up are of the fun variety, so I cannot in my right mind complain about something like that.

This shaving business is getting ridiculous. And the sad thing about that is that I usually only shave once a week as it is. Maybe twice if I need to look like less of a bum for some reason. These reasons, at any given time, may include:

- impressing somebody at work
- church
- won/lost a bet
- gave up on beard-growing contest
- sticking it to girls who say I’d look “good” with facial hair, but are sorely mistaken

No matter how infrequently I shave, it still gets in the way of something. Hey, I’ll finish that mission on Warcraft 3 before I go to bed tonight. Oh, wait, nevermind—I have to shave. Or, there’s Hey, I have time to prepare myself a nice lunch to take with me to work today. Oh, wait, nevermind—I have to shave. And such. You know how many Warcraft 3 missions I could have finished in all the times I’ve had to shave in the last month? Four. Four missions. I’ll never finish all of those now. That game just goes on forever.

I am still in favor of a switch that is located somewhere in an inconspicuous spot on the human body that controls hair and nail growth.

On the subject of the human body, the day after my birthday I contracted some killer poison ivy, which came as a shock to me because I never really get poison anything. It was pretty awful, all bubbling up on my arm and oozing fluids without my consent. I typically like to be in charge of my oozing fluids, but then something like this comes along and breaks all the rules. Then I was shunned at work and people were scared to touch me (which people are normally afraid to do that, anyway, and with good reason, but that is beside the point) because they were afraid they’d catch it. However, it is a well known fact that once you wash the irritant from your skin, you’re not contagious anymore. Yeah, so. All that time I spent feeling like a leper could have been avoided. In the defense of everyone, the poison ivy was incredibly disgusting in appearance. I would have stayed pretty far away from it, myself, if I were in anyone else’s position.

In my last entry, I spoke of a scheme in which I’d start bringing my lunch to work and spend my lunch break reading and writing instead of coming home and screwing around on the internet. So far, it’s working. Except “lunch” is usually just a sophisticated term for “Pop-Tarts.” But that’s okay. The amount of reading I do has increased dramatically, and I occasionally take time out from that to work on writing some outlines and backstory for something I plan to write/draw sometime in the future. That is also going well. I also drive approximately 24 fewer miles each week. Hey, gotta conserve gas somehow.

On that note, Frogmobile Mark 2 just hit 1,000 miles a couple of days ago. And I’m pretty sure the gas mileage is still getting better.

I’m trying to beat the high score on the Ms. Pac-Man machine at Broussard’s, but I just can’t do it. It’s around 240,000, which, even though I’ve never gotten a score that high, I don’t think it’s out of my range. But I just can’t seem to get any higher than something in the 160,000 range on this machine. Part of it is that I can’t adjust to the machine’s crappy joystick, which likes to believe that I want to go left or right when I’m actually pressing up on it. But I don’t want to blame everything on that, because that’s the easy way out. I’m just out of practice, mostly. Or I may just not have the necessary twitchiness anymore. I did set the high score on their Donkey Kong machine by 100 points, though. I could have done better on that, too, but I’m just not a very good Donkey Kong player. My brother could easily smoke the score I set.

Work is good, but kind of frustrating lately in that I honestly haven’t had that much to do. I kind of have to drag out my workload so that I appear busier than I actually am. Or I take work from other people who have more going on than I do. I also have a lot of spec ads, which are ads that really flex designer muscle—we’re given fewer instructions and parameters and more or less have creative control on what the ad looks like. They’re a welcome change from what we usually get, but at the same time they can be hard to deal with because we frequently don’t get a deadline on when they need to be done (which leads to procrastination), and there’s the added pressure of designing something new and interesting that appeals to the customer. Sometimes I really like what I can come up with, and sometimes I think it looks like total garbage. Then I usually waste a whole day working on it and I still think it looks bad. I tell you, those ads frustrate the hell out of me sometimes.

I’m happy to report that Facebook and Myspace may finally be releasing their hold on me. For one thing, none of my friends ever seem to communicate on MySpace anymore, with the exception of one or two, so the attention I pay to it has diminished remarkably. As for Facebook, my self-esteem and self-satisfaction apparently no longer rely on the number of people who post on my wall and tag me in photos and whatever, because I noticed I no longer have to check it every hour or so for these things. And I don’t even know why I was interested in being tagged in pictures, since I hate pretty much every picture that has ever been taken of me because I look like a complete dink in all of them. It’s funny to look at them because these photos often reveal to me that I am even more socially awkward than I realized. I’m always ringing my hands or scratching the back of my head and stuff like that. What a weirdo.

Anyway, I also stopped getting bent out of shape when my friends were talking to other people on Facebook and not to me, which was really ridiculous and just plain out of line. Personally, I think it’s kind of extraordinary how far I’ve come in the past few months. I finally have faith in my friends again. I no longer think I’m being abandoned, even when people can’t give me their exclusive and undivided attention, which I once ferociously demanded.