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It all started
one fateful night. I opened a box of Kellogg's Rice Krispies and
poured myself a bowl. Suddenly, a hideous monstrosity fell from
the box...
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Disney's
Atlantis' Leviathan! A beast so vile, they had to put it in
a plastic bag with an instruction sheet! Diobolical! Without
these life-saving devices, some poor kid - or adult, for that
matter - might mistake Leviathan for a Rice Krispie (Krispy?),
and sue Kellogg's and Disney for all they're worth (Hm...
I'd actually side with Disney on that one. Aren't I the hypocrite?).
Needless
to say, I was not happy about Disney leaking their propaganda
into my delicious crisped-rice breakfast treat... not one
bit. I placed Leviathan in a safe spot, and began plotting
its unnecessary doom. |
| Little
did I know that Jim, my brother in law, had other plans for
my prisoner, as I caught him in the workshop one day, hammer
in hand, ready to destroy the poor lobster! "Say
your prayers, you horrid Disney embodiment!" Jim brought
the hammer over his head, and...
"Jim,
nooooooooo!" I arrived just in time to prevent Jim from
foiling my elaborate scheme. "If we're going to send
Disney a message, we've gotta do it with style!"
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The
instruments of destruction. |
Enlisting the
help of Jim as my pyrotechnics manager/expert on explosive death,
we compiled an assortment of leftover fireworks and other flammable
components. Pictured, but not used, were deer antlers. They symbolize
our intent to kill (not really. They were sitting on the work bench
that the rest of the stuff was piled on, so we threw them in to
make it look like we had more stuff. The symbolism sounds pretty
cool, though, eh? Eh?!).
 Our
first step in sending Leviathan a step closer to appearing in a
blackened chicken salad was strapping a string of firecrackers to
it with a rubber band, as well as placing a few other loose ones
on it here and there. We prefer Black Cat fireworks.
Jim then added
Testor's highly flammable rubber cement to the little bastard's
appendages and stuff, in hopes that the explosions from the firecrackers
would set the cement ablaze. The label says to keep it away from
open flame. However, in this case, flammability + flame = fun, not
danger, as Jim is a professional blower-upper of stuff. Not to mention
he can also make a CN-20 Nerve Gas Canister out of some military
surplus, a toy cellular phone, some vacuum tubes, and a board game
timer. Richard Dean Anderson has got nothing on this guy.
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Ground
Zero. |
Here we are
at the blast site. As you can see, Leviathan has been placed on
the designated blast platform. Jim tapes a match to the end of a
stick, and ignites the primary fuse...
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...and
explosive death ensues! |
 Fortunately
for Leviathan, he escaped the first trial with only minimal damage.
We had under-estimated our plastic adversary. Thus, destroying it
would require an amount of explosives that most would consider a
little more... unnecessary. The second trial consisted of a relentless
slathering of cement - about half the tube - followed by strapping
a ridiculous number of firecrackers to its hull. A few matches were
thrown in for good measure.
  Again,
Jim tapes a match to a stick, and ignites the primary fuse, resulting
in a much louder, more impressive (not to mention photographable),
explosion. The cement didn't even catch on fire during the first
trial, which was a big disappointment. The slathering we gave Leviathan
on the second trial proved to be fruitful, however, as the explosions
did, in fact, spark flaming doom upon the cheap, green plastic composition
that poor Leviathan was made of. Killing the real Leviathan would
have been much cooler, but alas, we are not animated characters.
Even if we were, we'd probably be characters in some stupid cartoon,
like Action Man... possibly even Digimon...
As you can see,
trial 2 pretty much did the sad little bastard in. As much I love
rooting for the bad guys, this one probably had it coming to him.
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Success.
Not that it was hard or anything. |
Words of wisdom
to Disney: "Don't start none, and you won't get some."
Not that they ever did anything to Jim or myself. We just don't
like their product (with the exception of Tron), or their management.
On a final note, regarding the resting place of the remains of Leviathan:
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People
will probably start thinking I'm a freak. |
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