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Major
League Baseball
I’m
a sports fan. Considering that I’m an awfully boring
and unexcitable individual, you’d probably think sports
are something I just give a passing glance to every now and
then. Well you’d be wrong. DEAD wrong. More wrong than
that time you thought soccer was entertaining. Sports are
actually something I get surprisingly heated and passionate
about, most of it revolving around the one team in each particular
sport that I really really like, and the multitude of teams
I hate with the burning fury of several fiery men.
No
matter the sport, I have a sort of subconscious rating system
in which I rank each team based on how much I like them. There
can only be one favorite team, and there can only be one most-hated
team, with all of the others falling into three categories:
Teams I Can Root for When They Aren’t Playing
My Favorite Team, Teams I Don’t Really
Care About One Way or Another, and Teams
I Highly Dislike. Reasons for which I like or dislike
teams are highly variable and follow no path of logic whatsoever.
It can often be because of just one guy, or the manager, or
the uniforms, or revenge, etc.
Anyway,
made in the spirit of the “Power Rankings” lists
you’ll find on ESPN or Fox Sports, this is the list
for Major League Baseball. It will probably become pretty
obvious early that I favor the National League over the American
League, but this also means there are more teams I vigorously
despise in the National League than the American League. I’m
sure you’ll disagree with me on the ranking of numerous
teams, but that is all right. I’ve been a Philadelphia
Eagles fan in a Dallas Cowboys/St. Louis Rams world for all
my life, so it ain’t no big thing to me if you disagree
about what teams to like or dislike. Enjoy.
List
as of 8.28.2006
Favorite
Team
 1.
St. Louis Cardinals – Even if I hadn’t
grown up with this team, they might very well still be my
favorite team. A consistently class franchise that respects
its personnel and its fans, it’s not hard for the Cardinals
to sneak their way into the hearts of baseball fans everywhere.
The Cardinals are a team frequently stacked with quality,
selfless players who give their all everyday and never get
tired of it thanks to the tremendous fan support in St. Louis.
Manager Tony La Russa seems to be the cold, quiet, calculating
type, which I like a lot, but he still has enough temper and
passion for the game to get his point across and often get
himself tossed on behalf of the players he loves. Plus, a
rich history featuring greats like Stan Musial, Lou Brock
(I love base stealers), and Bob Gibson (my favorite player
before my time) solidify the Cardinals at the top of my list.
Pretty good for many years now, but have always gotten second
billing next to teams in bigger markets with bigger name superstars,
which normally makes me very, very frustrated. They
also have pretty home uniforms, but I am NOT a fan of the
road grays. Traditional, sure, but dull and uglier than prison
garb. Part 1 of the triumvirate of National League Central
Division teams that I do not hate.
Teams
I Can Root For When Not Playing the Favorite Team
 2.
Minnesota Twins – The Twins have been my favorite
American League team for a few years running now. Their recent
success has centered on scrappiness and good pitching, two
qualities I am particularly fond of. Pure no-name talent,
the Twins are one of the better teams you’ll never hear
about because they’re in a small market and a perpetually
weak division (at least until 2006) and thus, according to
sports experts, aren’t worth your time. If they could
avoid becoming a Yankee appetizer every time they make the
playoffs, perhaps they’ll really be in business.
 3.
Los Angeles Dodgers – My uncle and my cousin
are both big Dodgers fans, so the Dodgers being high on my
list is probably partially a result of their influence. Unless
they are playing the Cardinals, in which case they are to
be ragged without mercy! This is another one of those classy
teams with the rich history, but without the pomp and arrogance
of the east coast teams with rich histories. They are also
instantly liked by me because they’re in the same division
as the Giants, who most certainly do not have my
support. I liked this team better when Jim Tracy was manager
(especially after he led the Dodgers out to shake the Cardinals’
hands after the 2004 NLDS, which was probably the classiest
thing I have ever seen in baseball in my life and
nearly brought me to tears), but they’re still pretty
high on the list.
 4.
Kansas City Royals – This is sort of just a
home state allegiance. Yeah, I know they got a cheap win in
the 1985 World Series versus the Cardinals thanks to Denkinger,
but I would still take this team over many, many others, especially
the two supervillains of the American League. They’ve
been one of the premiere whipping boys of the American League
for a very long time, which is disheartening, but I’ve
consistently found myself rooting for them, regardless. At
least I shouldn’t have trouble finding a seat if I ever
want to go see a Royals game. Or 25,000 other seats for all
my friends.
 5.
Pittsburgh Pirates – I really liked this team
mostly because of manager Lloyd McClendon, who threw some
classic fits in his brief stint as manager, such as the time
he threw his hat in the air (I’m not sure it ever came
down) and stole the first base bag from the field after being
ejected from a game. Sadly, Lloyd was sacked during the 2005
season. The Pirates do still appeal to me—they’re
a team of scrappers, including Jack Wilson, one of the better
defensive shortstops you’ll never see. I also really
liked their uniforms in the 70s, the ones with the striped
painter’s hats, and also the full yellow jersey and
pants combination. The Pirates are Part 2 of the triumvirate
of National League Central teams I do not hate.
 6.
Philadelphia Phillies – Simply put, the Phillies
are this high on the list as a result of my supreme dislike
of their National League East rivals, the Mets and Braves,
and occasional borderline dislike of the Marlins. I’ll
continue to root for them, but it’s sad to say this
team’s going nowhere in the NL East. I also liked the
early 90s Phillies that had all those gross, beer-swilling
tobacco chewers like John Kruk, Lenny Dykstra and Darren Daulton,
etc, which probably also contributes to their position on
my list.
 7.
Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals – See above
regarding the NL East. Showed signs of life the past couple
of seasons, but for the most part are one of the National
League’s perpetual bottom feeders, and always manage
to get screwed over somehow. It’s important to remember
this team without a doubt would have won the 1994 World Series
had there not been a strike. They’re the Washington
Nationals now, but this team will always be the Expos to me.
Too bad that also means they will probably always suck.
 8.
San Diego Padres – “Who peed on the Padres’
uniforms?” was the first thing my brother said when
he saw the Padres’ new away uniforms. Aside from that,
I don’t really have any problems with this team at all,
and I actually kind of like the pee-stained uniforms, for
whatever reason. They look kind of old-timey, I guess.
 9.
Milwaukee Brewers – The Brewers are Part 3
of the triumvirate of National League Central teams I do not
hate. This team hasn’t found a reason to offend me in
such a way that I feel I must dislike them…yet. I also
keep rooting for them because I always expect them to come
around and be contenders, but they traditionally fizzle out
somewhere around midseason. They also have the Sausage Race,
which scores them a few bonus points.
 10.
Chicago White Sox – As you can obviously see
by now (if you’re familiar with baseball, anyway), I
typically favor Central Division teams in both the AL and
NL over other teams. The White Sox fall into this category,
as well. If they win a good three or four World Series in
a row, you can bet I will grow to hate them, but until that
happens, if they continue to keep the Red Sox and Yankees
out of the World Series, I feel it is my sworn duty and obligation
to like them to some degree. They are, after all, providing
a service that benefits us all.
Teams
I Don’t Really Care About One Way or Another
 11.
Anaheim Angels – This team used to be higher
on my list, but fell a few places when they changed their
name from the Anaheim Angels to the Los Angeles Angels of
Anaheim. What kind of stupid name is that? Any moderately
intelligent individual knows right off the bat everybody in
the universe is far too lazy to say all of that. Hell, I had
second thoughts about typing that long of a name, and then
I had to stop and rest for a couple seconds when I was done
typing it. It’s so unorthodox compared to any other
team moniker that it’s just outright annoying. Despite
that, I love manager Mike Scioscia, even though I don’t
know how to spell his name. That might be correct, but don’t
bet on it. Also featuring Garrett Anderson and Vladimir Guerrero,
both of whom I like a lot.
 12.
Detroit Tigers – On their way up after showing
phenomenal improvement this season. Manager Jim Leyland is
a great baseball personality with a masterfully dry wit. Potential
adversaries of the Yankees and/or Red Sox in postseason, so
I can’t dislike them.
 13.
Oakland Athletics – Oakland’s center
fielder is this guy named Mark Kotsay. My brother really likes
Mark Kotsay. I don’t know why—maybe just because
it’s fun to say his name. Kotsay. Try it. You’ll
like it. Anyway, when Kotsay was on the Marlins, my brother
started inexplicably calling the Marlins the Kotsays one day.
When Kotsay went to the Padres, the Padres became the New
Kotsays. Now that Kotsay is on the A’s, the A’s
are, obviously, the New New Kotsays. This team used to make
the postseason every year and choke in the first round. And
it looks like they might pull out another postseason appearance
this season, but they’ll probably go up 2 games to none
in the first round and then lose three in a row to be eliminated,
as always. New New Kotsay fans have to be pretty disappointed
at how things always turn out for this team. Poor New New
Kotsays.
 14.
Arizona Diamondbacks – I still have a degree
of respect for this team because of the 2001 Division Series
against the Cardinals, which the Diamondbacks ultimately won,
but it was one of the best playoff series I’ve ever
watched. 5 stars, easily, despite only being a 5-game series.
They also ended the Yankees streak of three consecutive World
Series championships later that postseason, and you can’t
fault a team for doing something like that. I don’t
really know what they’re up to these days. Contending
in a mediocre division, I guess, but you don’t hear
much about them. Their uniforms are all right.
 15.
Seattle Mariners – The only thing you really
need to know about this team is Ichiro. Other than him, there’s
not much going for these guys.
 16.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays – The only thing that
keeps this team on the radar for me is the fact that I’m
watching for when they finally have a winning season. I guess
it will happen one day, and it will be a good thing. Until
then, they’re going to toil in obscurity. But they’ve
been doing that since 1998 as it is, so I’m sure they’re
used to it by now.
 17.
Colorado Rockies – This team used to have a
lot of mystique, despite only being exceptionally good that
one year they went to the playoffs…1995, I think. Now
nobody cares. The only way this team will ever be really good
again is if they go back to having four or five guys who can
all hit over 40 home runs in a season, ‘cus pitching
is never really going to cut it in Denver. At least I don’t
think so.
 18.
Cleveland Indians – I hated this team a lot
in the 90s. And now I simply don’t care. I do like them
in Major League 1 and 2, though, but that doesn’t
help their standing in reality.
 19.
Toronto Blue Jays – This team might as well
not exist. They’ll never catch the Yankees and Red Sox,
and unlike the Devil Rays, simply being good isn’t an
acceptable goal for this squad.
 20.
Baltimore Orioles - Same. Next, please.
 21.
Texas Rangers – Of all the Major League Baseball
teams, this is the one I forget exists most often. You can
tell how much I care about the American League West, considering
all four teams in the division are in this category.
 22.
Florida Marlins – This team has some young
guys who are fun to watch, but I don’t really like the
Florida Marlins entity, itself. Reason being is that both
the World Series they’ve won are shams. The owner put
together a super team just to win the World Series, then disbanded
it the next year both times, and I don’t really find
that to be an acceptable approach to running a baseball team.
Not a very good way to maintain fan support, either. Have
you seen the stands at a Marlins game lately? A game between
New Wells and Apple Creek has a higher turnout, and that’s
not saying much. Also, it should be noted that one time my
brother and I saw a Cubs-Marlins game at Wrigley, and Preston
Wilson (who was on the Marlins at the time) almost got attacked
by a seagull in the outfield. This has no impact on their
standing in my list; I just thought you should know.
Teams
I Highly Dislike
 23.
Cincinnati Reds – Pesky NL Central adversaries
the Cardinals always have trouble with, regardless of how
good or bad they may be. Plus they have Adam Dunn, who is
really annoying because he only hits about .220, but hits
like 40 home runs a year, so even though he never gets any
hits, he still manages to be productive. All because he’s
a big dumb farm boy. The Reds are Part 1 of the triumvirate
of teams I hate in the NL Central.
 24.
New York Mets – The Mets are gaining a lot
of support this season, mostly because they’re the only
good team in the National League (and even saying they’re
good might be a bit of a stretch). I’ve hated this team
forever, and I don’t even really have a good reason
why. Obviously the 2000 NLCS against the Cardinals stirs up
a lot of bad memories and resentment, especially toward Timo
Perez (ironically now a Cardinal), Edgardo Alfonzo, and Mike
Piazza, who batted about a combined 1.000 against the Cardinals
in that series. You’d think the Mets being overshadowed
by the Yankees all the time would earn some sympathy from
me. You’d be wrong.
 25.
Atlanta Braves – Simply put, this team has
been too good too long. They’re a long way from where
they were in the 90s when they had the Maddux-Glavine-Smoltz
rotation that was absolutely unstoppable, but still awfully
annoying. On a more pleasant note, while I’ve had to
put up with seeing them win 14 straight division titles, it
has to have been just as frustrating for any Braves fan to
see them win 14 straight division titles, but only win the
World Series once out of all those trips to the playoffs.
14 straight division titles?! What a bunch of glory hogs.
Why don’t you let the Phillies win once in awhile. Geez.
The streak will end this year, finally, but I still don’t
like them. I also really don’t like Chipper Jones. For
whatever reason, he strikes me as something of a rude and
selfish individual. I can’t explain it. I do, however,
like a lot of the young guys on this team right now. Still
doesn’t stop me from hating the team as a whole, though.
I also hate that annoying Indian music they play whenever
they do something good, and that stupid chop all the fans
do, as well.
 26.
San Francisco Giants – The Giants are not deserving
of my dislike. Not at all. But I hate them quite a bit, actually,
and it’s probably not hard to figure out why. One man
is dragging this team down into my “teams I highly dislike”
bracket, and that man’s name is Barry Bonds. Everybody
knows I don’t like this guy, and his stigma spreads
to his entire team. I do not dispute the fact that he is a
great player—one of the greatest ever, in fact. I just
don’t like him because he’s a prick. I don’t
think he’s deserving of the respect he receives from
his fans, because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give
two shits about any of them. Plays the race card constantly
in a situation where I believe it’s inappropriate to
do so. (Hank Aaron holds the career home run record, is black,
and everybody seems to like him all right.) Then there’s
the whole steroids thing. I don’t care about the perjury
or whatever. I just want him to admit steroids use.
 27.
Chicago Cubs – Part 2 of the triumvirate of
teams I hate in the NL Central. My dislike of the Cubs comes
naturally as part of my liking the Cardinals. While lacking
the degree of bitterness and hostility that comes with the
Yanks-Sox rivalry, the Cardinals-Cubs rivalry can still get
pretty heated, at times, and is one of the best rivalries
in the game. No matter how bad they are—and believe
me, they are always bad to some degree, the Cubs
always play the Cardinals awfully hard, and I guess you have
to give them that much. But here over the past couple of seasons,
the Cardinals are having all kinds of trouble winning any
game against the Cubs, which is frustrating to no end and
makes me hate the team tremendously. Despite being a dependable
doormat since 1945, Cubs fans never cease eating this team
up. Which is too bad for them, since the team continues to
draw money even when ridiculously bad, so the front office
never has to spend any money trying to improve the team to
draw more fans. At this rate, it could very well be another
98 years before this team wins another World Series. Then
again, since the fans go nuts every time a Cubs batter hits
a pop fly to the shortstop, believing it might just
have enough to get out of the park, I guess I probably wouldn’t
spend any money either if they get so much enjoyment out of
their team as it is. Every other franchise in baseball has
to…y’know, perform well and win games to win such
a positive reaction from the fans. In Chicago, all you have
to do is pop it up in the infield and they’re happy.
Carlos
Zambrano is a dick, by the way. Anyone else remember that
time he hit Jim Edmonds twice in the same game because Edmonds
homered off of him? What a big baby. I give up home runs to
guys all the time, but I don’t go hitting any of them
on purpose. And Dusty Baker sort of rubs me the wrong way
on occasion, as well. I just remember this time Chris Carpenter
hit a guy in the foot, and Dusty accused him of throwing at
the guy. Carpenter got all frazzled and didn’t do so
well the rest of that game. Managerial brinksmanship? Perhaps,
but to accuse somebody of something like that when they clearly
weren’t doing it is sort of a gutless move, in my opinion.
There are any number of situations like this that have come
up between these two teams that fuel my hatred of the Cubs.
 28.
Boston Red Sox – Remember, everyone. If you
ever want to become a media darling, just win a World Series
after not winning one for 86 years, and America will love
you forever. After the Red Sox finally broke the supposed
Curse of the Bambino, You couldn’t slink into a dark
corner to pick your nose in privacy without seeing or hearing
something about how great the Red Sox are, how they have the
best fans in baseball for sticking with them for so long,
and other self-righteous crap of this nature. You couldn’t
pick up a single publication or watch a single TV show without
seeing Johnny Damon’s mug all over the place. Anyone
remember that movie Fever Pitch with Jimmy Fallon
and Drew Barrymore that was about the Red Sox? I heard it
sucked hard, but that didn’t stop Entertainment
Weekly from giving it an A-, probably the highest grade
given to any 2000s-era romantic comedy ever, since few, if
any, are even remotely good. Coincidentally, the Red Sox had
just won the World Series, and who was on the cover of that
particular issue of Entertainment Weekly? That’s
right, kids, our good buddy Johnny Damon. Everyone, and I
mean EVERYONE, was on the Red Sox bandwagon. I can’t
count all the fratties I saw with Red Sox caps after they
won the World Series. Probably fratties who were wearing Cardinals
hats all the time up until then. You all better hope the Cubs
never win the World Series, or it’ll be tenfold as bad
as the Red Sox hype. Lovable losers are a joke. I don’t
see how any team anywhere is willing to put up with such a
stigma.
On
top of that, the Red Sox are the Yankees’ biggest rivals,
so the news coverage of this rivalry pretty much never stops.
Also, the team is extremely annoying thanks to David Ortiz.
He seems like a really great guy, but he also has about 4,000
game-winning hits in his career. If the Red Sox win a game,
it’s pretty much only because David Ortiz got another
clutch hit. I don’t know about the rest of you, but
when a team I already don’t like starts winning every
damn game in the ninth inning on a clutch hit, I get awfully
sick of hearing about them. And when they got swept by the
White Sox in the playoffs last year, it brought me great joy.
The Red Sox are one of the two American League supervillains.
 29.
New York Yankees – The Yankees, of course,
are the other American League supervillain. You can bring
up any argument you want about how baseball needs the Yankees
to survive, or how as a baseball fan I’m obligated to
like the Yankees because of the rich history and tradition;
it won’t stop me from disliking them. I hate this team.
In fact, I’ll argue that baseball needs the Yankees
simply because they are the perpetual juggernaut supervillain
of the league that everybody else is trying to bring down.
They were cool in 1996 when they beat the Braves in the World
Series, but then when they won the World Series in 1998, 1999,
2000, and then reached the World Series in 2001 and 2003,
I’d had more than enough. I’m sick of this team
buying their way into the postseason every freakin’
year. And don’t give me some crap about how they don’t.
The Yanks have a $200+ million payroll whereas everyone else
has no more than $130 million, and even then only the Red
Sox, Mets, and Dodgers are in that neighborhood. If some guy
becomes available, the Yankees just drive a fleet of dump
trucks full of money up to his house, and they’ve got
him. Or, they trade 25 untalented minor leaguers from their
shitty farm system that never develops because they trade
them away all the time for some guy that they just want for
half a season to win the World Series. How can anyone like
a team like that? Furthermore, how can anyone willingly join
this team and not feel guilty about it? They always feed the
media some crud about how “it was their lifelong dream
the play for the Yankees.” Whatever. You guys are there
for the money and you know it. Why else would Johnny Damon
leave the Red Sox to play for their worst enemies?
Also,
media attention. The Yankees are fucking everywhere. They
are always the headline game of Fox Saturday Baseball, always
on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball, and they automatically get
the prime time spots during the playoffs. Most of the time,
all of the playoff teams haven’t even been decided yet,
and the Yankees have already been penciled into the 8ET /
7CT timeslot. Does that say anything about favoritism? Meanwhile,
the supposedly less-marketable Midwest teams get jerked into
the daytime playoff games that nobody sees because they are
all at work or school. And it’s all because the Yankees
have the biggest market and provide the most ratings, meaning
the most money for the networks, while nobody gets to see
all of the real teams that didn’t buy their way into
the postseason like the Yankees did.
Most-Hated
Team
 30.
Houston Astros – Hell, I thought the Cubs were
going to be my most-hated team when I started writing this
list, but I literally could not stop thinking of things about
the Astros that piss me off, thus they were solidly established
as my most hated team…for now. The primary divisional
adversary of the Cardinals over the last five years or so,
rounding out the 3-team triumvirate of teams I hate in the
NL Central with the Cubs and Reds. The Astros draw my ire
for a number of reasons. One, Roger Clemens. Without question
one of the greatest pitchers of all time, but the media pays
an almost astronomical amount of attention to this guy. You’ve
got other guys in the league like Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson
and etc. who are very nearly on the same pedestal as Clemens
when it comes to career achievements and future-Hall of Fame
status, but there for awhile you didn’t even hear an
eighth as much about these quality athletes as you did about
Clemens. I remember when he finally decided to return to baseball
this season after his pseudo-retirement (again). Not only
did ESPN televise the game, but they also televised him warming
up in the bullpen before the start of the game, as well as
his walk to the dugout from the bullpen, as well as his rummaging
around in the bullpen before he took the mound, and finally
him taking the mound. Not to mention the weeks and weeks of
speculation leading up to his return. What in the world was
THAT all about? He’s not our new god or anything. I
found it funny that he ended up losing that game to the Twins.
Two,
the simple divisional rivalry with the Cardinals. Much like
other divisional rivals, the Astros always play the Cardinals
tough, which makes for good baseball, but is still a pain
in the ass. On top of that, the team never just lays down
and dies. Every year they suck down liquefied balls from a
straw by the gallon for the first several months of the season,
and then they decide to make their annual miraculous (and
annoying) late-season surge and win 50 of their last 60 games
and sneak into the playoffs at the last minute. If you’re
a fan of the team, I’m sure it’s great, but everybody
else gets awfully pissed off when this happens. And of course,
even during the part of the season when they’re playing
poorly, they still mop the floor with the Cards even when
their floors aren’t dirty. Why can’t they just
be good all season? It’ll save the rest of us a lot
of hassle and annoyance.
Third,
Minute Maid Park. That hill in center field is kind of silly,
but it doesn’t really bother me that much. In fact,
more baseball fields should have hazards like that. Now, the
Crawford Boxes, on the other hand, are unacceptable. What
is with these things? 315 feet to left field?! The batter
might as well just catch the pitch with his bare hand and
throw it over the fence for a home run—it’s
not that far. There should be some kind of regulation on an
outfield fence that shallow. In Boston, the Green Monster
is only 315 feet away down the left field line, but at least
it’s about a thousand feet tall, so even though it’s
not far to it, it’s high enough that an updraft won’t
catch a soft liner to third and carry it over the fence for
a home run, unlike in Houston. I realize the away team has
just as much chance to hit cheapie home runs into the Crawford
Boxes as the Astros, but that’s beside the point. It
shouldn’t be that easy to hit them anywhere you go,
for any team.
Fourth,
the Killer Bs. Not the actual guys (well, some of them), but
the Killer Bs mystique itself. I have no problems with Bagwell
or Biggio. I guess Bagwell is probably about done, which is
a shame, but Biggio is still going strong. But Berkman, Burke,
Brad Ausmus, and whatever other B-named individuals
they have can suck it. The thing about the Killer Bs is that
it is an entity that has existed since the early 90s, with
a perpetual carousel of players with the last name starting
with B entering in and out of the Killer Bs stable all this
time. How can a team possibly have so many good players all
with the last name starting with B over the years to keep
something like this going for so long? And of course, these
days they have to play a little buzzing bee sound effect over
the loudspeakers at Minute Maid anytime anybody on the team
with a B in their name does something good. That might as
well be as annoying as that damn Atlanta Braves chop thing.
Lastly
(I think), the uniforms. They aren’t that pretty to
begin with, but the annoying thing is Houston literally has
about nine or ten different uniforms. Whereas most teams have
a home uniform, a road uniform, and sometimes an alternate
uniform, the Astros have a home uniform, a road uniform, a
Sunday uniform, a holiday uniform, a uniform for when stocks
are up, a uniform for when stocks are down, a retro uniform,
and a uniform specifically worn in honor of their lord and
savior, Roger Clemens. Variety and non-ugly road uniforms
are a good thing, but this is really just overkill.
Welp,
there you have it. Hopefully now you have a little insight
on which teams I like, which teams I don’t like, and
the absurd reasoning behind them.
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