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May
1 , 2002 - The Bachelor, 7th Herald of the Apocalypse
Brought to you by guest ranter, James "I'm not Hispanic"
Chiles.
Just
when I thought TV couldn't get any lower, it manages to shovel its
way through the basement floor. How does this show show the worst
in people? Let me count the ways.
First, didn't
we learn this kind of monkey trick doesn't work after the Who
wants to Marry a Millionaire fiasco? Remember that show? Guy
watches beauty pageant to find his potential mate, guy finds "perfect"
girl, guy marries girl, guy turns out to be a woman-beating nut
case, woman annuls marriage. Same old story.
So, with The
Bachelor, we have this guy, seems kinda full of himself, but
maybe that's the anti GQ part of me speaking. And his victims...
a group of women who look like potential candidates for the next
Tropicana girl. Nevermind the obvious references to Nazi Aryanism
that this show crams down your throat. Ku Klux Klan? Who needs them
when we have ABC.
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| The
Unclean One, aka Satan |
OK, so these
women can't help it if they were picked for the show. But why the
hell do ANY of them need to be on this show? None of them seem like
they would have a problem getting a man, none of them are unattractive.
So why do they all act like this is their one chance to get a man....and
they all have to have THIS man? Is their some sort of man shortage
suddenly? Are there elusive creatures walking the night that devour
all available men? Is this a government conspiracy? What makes me
even more sick, is the fact that several women towards the end of
this ordeal state to "Alex" ...a.k.a. "The Guy"
that they *think* they are starting to fall in love with him. Starting????
When did they decide this? Between their last sip of Diet Rite and
deciding what to wear for their next "date"?
I don't see
what this guy has going for him. He's good looking, but a flying
blue devil monkey could look good too under the right circumstances.
And man is he a swarmy guy. One of the last two girls, we will call
her "Amanda", even went so far as to say he reminds her
of James Bond. Oh... that's even better. Let's refer to him as an
outdated sexist macho jerk, who picks up a girl with each new episode
of his prowess. And that's exactly what he comes off as! While dating
the last two women, we can hear through a secret hidden camera (it's
so hidden, they even refer to it!) and Alex asks Trista..."Do
you feel like putting yourself in a compromising position tonight?"
to which she states, "Not if that camera is on."
If that line
doesn't sound like some 'ole James himself wouldn't say, then the
moon is made of cheese, and God IS an astronaut. What's even worse,
is that we can assume pretty easily that she indeed had a dangerous
liaison with him. Talk about easy. She wants him so bad, she's willing
to sleep with him! And the other girl, Amanda, well we get to see
a photo of her in a state of undress, and covered with chocolate
syrup that was only earlier sent up to their room under the menu
title "sex on a sheet". Suddenly it turns from finding
the most compatible, to giving it up the fastest to assure their
place in his heart. Does he feel he has to do this? Some weird taste
test? Mike Fleiss, exec producer of the show and first cousin of
former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss (oh yeah, this is looking good)
stated in Entertainment Weekly that..."He's a smart guy".."He
went for some test-drives before he bought a car." How many
allusions to "buying people" can one possibly get out
of one situation? Do they feel they have to do this? Is their life
that bad? Do they need a man that badly? Have times changed so much
that this is actually "normal" behavior in most areas?
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unwitting
pawn #1 |
unwitting
pawn #2 |
Perhaps I am
old fashioned. Perhaps I have had my head in the sand for so long
that this is the way things work. Last time this kinda thing happened,
whole cities were turned to salt. Survival of the fittest has turned
into something that makes you feel so bad upon seeing it, that you
have an undeniable urge to take repeated showers. And they did all
this on TV!! You might as well go to the monkey house at the local
zoo, you get the same thing and it's all under the name of science
to boot! At least he didn't actually propose to Amanda, but he did
buy the ring which he WAS planning on giving to a woman he has spent
less than a week with - but I digress. Oh, and did I mention that
the girl Alex picked, Amanda, has been, how do you say...artificially
enhanced? Wow, that must have been a hard choice. She also told
him about her collection of "unique" outfits, like the
cowgirl themed dress complete with chaps. Can you say "giddyup
cowboy"?
So... to summarize:
We have people displaying the most base and disgusting motivations
all in the name of ratings. They try and justify their actions,
but fail miserably upon being caught as acting like the dogs they
are. One phrase went through my mind as I came to the realization
that I was indeed witnessing the Apocalypse.
 Armageddon,
baby!
Now, if you
will excuse me, I must go burn out my eyeballs.
James Chiles
says to you kids, "Stay offa my damn lawn!"
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