|
May
22, 2004 - Running from the rain makes Aquaman cry
|
| See
this man? He hates you because you hate aqua. |
Coincidentally,
the last rant was also about rain, but we’re tackling a different
issue here: rain makes you stupid. Yes, you. Probably me, as well.
Humans have an instinctive fear of water falling from the sky, even
when it isn’t acidic, boiling hot, or, in actuality, Fresca.
People display horrible tendencies in the rain—embarrassing
and often dangerous behavior that makes the casual observer (me)
mutter “I hate rain” under my breath instead of “I
hate Blane,” ’cus I’m usually thinking about Pretty
in Pink when I’m not suffering from my standard anxiety
attacks.
You heard me.
 |
| You're
so smug, McCarthy. |
Anyway, let’s
classify the behaviors and break it down from there, shall we? Ready…
GO!
1. Driving
– We all do it (hell, even Cole drives these days), and granted,
rain does make the chore more difficult, but that doesn’t
excuse you from ignoring every sensible driving practice and technique
EVER instituted. Here’re some tips:
a. Turn
your lights on! When I almost plow into the side of your
vehicle, it’s because sheets of hydro-doom are falling from
the sky and I really can’t see anything, including your gray
Buick. Of course, you don’t have to turn your lights
on, but I promise the chances of me killing you will decrease quite
a lot if you do. This includes accidental and intentional
killing. Whoops! I mean… uh… crap. Excuse me a moment…
I, Frog,
do not really want to kill anyone. I am using satire to express
my annoyance of those who are unsafe, as well as for the purpose
of making important points of safety for the benefit of all
mankind (that being the three of you reading this). Being
a non-murderer rules! Drive safely, everyone!
…do you
guys think that is convincing enough? I kinda think it sounds insincere,
but I bet the point I made about being a non-murderer will win them
over.
Listen, just
turn your lights on when it’s raining. It saves you from a
potential wreck and keeps me from going to jail on aggravated assault
charges.
b. Come
on, hurry up! Come on, quit driving so slow! Look, folks,
there’s a safe slow, but also a super stupid and deadly slow.
Implied speed rule and all of that is good, but it is terribly unsafe
to drive 45. On the interstate. With your lights off. Just slow
down to a point where you’re not risking a freakishly large
pile-up, and we’ll all feel much better. Especially me each
time I have to brake to avoid being at the bottom of a pile of 78
smashed vehicles.
c. Hey!
Slow down, you monster! Just because I don’t want
you to drive too slow doesn’t mean I do want you to research
hyperdrive for cars. When it’s pouring and I can’t see
10 feet in front of me and you don’t even give me a chance
to get back in the right lane before you pass me at 85 miles per
hour, you’re just asking for a huge mess and for me to start
yelling at you. This applies to fog, too… I remember coming
home from St. Louis with Chris Hendrix in really thick fog one time,
and all these loonies were going like 80 even though it was just
barely possible to see a car in front of us… five feet
in front of us! Idiots.
 |
| Secret
hyperdrive engines not appropriate for road use. Especially
in a deluge. |
2. Parking/Braving
the elements on foot – I never try to park close
to stores, anyway, but those spaces close to the door become even
more coveted when it’s raining because, and I did not know
this, rain melts children and the elderly. When people aren’t
street fighting for good parking spots, they are dashing around
madly, holding dollar bills or pieces of fruit over their heads
to try to keep dry until they get inside.
a. Stop
waiting for spaces! I’m always annoyed when anyone
waits around for someone else to load their vehicle and leave so
they can get the opened spot (I’m impatient, I guess), but
it’s much more annoying in the rain because people are willing
to wait longer… much longer… so long that I can get
into Wal-Mart, buy some fun-size Snickers bars, get out, and the
car will still be waiting for the other car to leave. By now there’s
a line of six or seven more cars lined up behind the waiter, and
then I show up and complicate matters further by walking behind
the parked car when it’s (finally) trying to pull out. There’s
always a million spaces way in the back—I always just take
one of those. Sure, I get a little wet if it’s raining, but
I also get out of the lot much more easily and never have to worry
about running over people or slamming into a big crate of watermelons
near the front of the store. I’ve seen movies, so I know slamming
into crates of fruit is messy and inconvenient.
b. Don’t
run around frantically! Unless you’re wearing suede
or are a woman in a white t-shirt, there’s really no need
for this nonsense. You’re gonna get wet, anyway, so just grin
and bear it. And please, stop trying to cover your head with things
that are too small to totally cover your head; it’s embarrassing…
almost as embarrassing as Vince Coleman getting his leg eaten by
the automatic tarp dispenser (last time I’m using it. I promise).
But the last time I checked, nobody has ever been eaten by raindrops.
 |
| "I
love the rain. It's so bad." |
Maybe I’m
just in tune with water, which doesn’t really make sense because
I can’t swim. All I know is when it comes to rain, I really
just don’t care. Unless I’m carrying some expensive
textbooks or some cotton candy or something.
 |
| Indoors
with hat with rain guard on. He just doesn't care. |
Another thing:
I want to be cool, but you’re just not cool if you let rain
bother you, so I don’t. Look at Batman—he’s out
in the rain ALL THE TIME, and he’s the coolest. Or Ernie Hudson
in The Crow—he’s out in the rain so much he
doesn’t even bother to take the rain guard off his hat. And
we all know Ernie Hudson is awesome, whether he’s a cop, Ghostbuster,
or teaming up with Bruce Campbell to be a storm chaser… damn!
Storm chaser! See, Ernie Hudson is also out in the rain ALL THE
TIME and he doesn't care! Clearly, there is a direct correlation
between being unaffected by rain and one’s degree of awesomacity.
Sorry, I gotta wrap this up… I have further research to conduct
on this matter!
|
