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May
30 , 2002 - From Frog of Fortune, my short-lived, yet dynamic
school newspaper column.
Original Print date: 10.12.01
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| Even
George, a talking radioactive monster, knows that air conditioners
scudding through the air is hazardous, and he gets shot at by
tanks and helicopters on a daily basis. Being the humongous
building smasher he is, George probably couldn't read a warning
label if he tried. He just naturally knows better. |
Caution:
Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows. Upon reading
this seemingly unnecessary warning, I came to the conclusion that
society has sunk to a frightening new low. Due to the growing level
of stupidity of today's John E. Citizen, I found myself being reminded
to not drop air conditioners out of nearby windows. Traditionally,
I would assume that sending a large, expensive, and most likely
very heavy electronic device plummeting to its unfortunate destruction
is a bad idea. However, logic seems to be an attribute that transcends
the understanding of a disturbingly large number of people.
I realize it
may be hard to comprehend the fact that the guy standing in line
behind you at Wiener Hut--Let's call him Frank--doesn't think that
guzzling Liquid Plumber is potentially dangerous. After a brief
hospital stay, Frank and attorney plan a hefty lawsuit against the
distributors of said de-clogging solution. If the bottle of Liquid
Plumber is without some sort of obvious warning, something along
the lines of "If ingested, consult a mortician," Frank
is in line for an impressive chunk of change, which brings me to
my point.
 Poop,
Smak, Qtip, and Bort (Don't even say anything about
the names. I know they suck. It's hard to come up
with creative names every time I play Final Fantasy
because they give you four spaces per name. Four.
Think if you had to name a child and you only got
four spaces to do it. You would think long and hard
to avoid making a horrible mistake like naming the
child BUTT or AAAA) battle the villainous Garland.
Noticing that Garland is gaining the upper hand, Bort
assists his friend Smak by pouring him a glass of
DRANO.
 Bort
learns the hard way that DRANO is not for drinking, despite
all of the instructions on the label that explain how to
unclog your plumbing. He's a wizard, for crying out loud!
Shouldn't he know DRANO shouldn't be swilled, despite the
lack of instructions that say not to?
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Today, people
can use their own idiocy to achieve financial stability. Courts
seem to be forgetting that people are responsible for their own
actions, not the products insvolved in these horrible examples of
human feeblemindedness. Take, for example, a group of 40 English
people who recently sued McDonald's for "knowingly serving
coffee and tea at dangerously high temperatures," according
to an attorney. I'm no expert on the complexities of serving hot
beverages, but I learned many years ago that hot tea and coffee
are traditionally served hot. Intelligent people realize that, as
they lift the hot drink, the cup is hot. This is a sure sign that
the contents of the cup are also extremely hot, meaning the liquid
satisfaction within should definitely not be chugged or spilled
on one's person. If these people can't down a cup of coffee without
seriously injuring themselves, their intelligence is probably sub-par.
Let's not forget
the Ohio man who sued for half a million dollars after biting his
lip open eating a bag of peanut M&M's. Supposedly, there was
a deadly plain M&M amongst the peanut M&M's. The man bit
too hard, resulting in damage to his lip that required hospital
care. He sued M&M's, as well as the Family Dollar store that
sold him the candy. You see, according to the guy, the store failed
to examine the candy and sold defective and mislabeled merchandise.
This is about as ridiculous as they come. I'm pretty sure it's against
some sort of health regulation for a local store to rip open each
bag of candy, inspect each individual piece and stamp the bag with
their seal of approval. My own experience proves that this Ohio
man is nothing more than an ignorant bullet-head looking to make
a quick buck or three. For I, too, have received a plain M&M
within a bag of peanut M&M's. However, I had the intelligence
to not bite down with the force of several large, carnivorous dinosaurs,
and escaped the situation injury-free. Fortunately for M&M's,
I considered being the recipient of a much-unexpected plain M&M
to be most flattering. It's one of those rare instances that I always
thought would be a joyous occasion. It's sad to see that some people
abuse such an occurrence, exploiting it for dirty money and fifteen
minutes of undeserved fame.
- Frog once
took a bite out of a coaster after his sister convinced him it was
a brownie. Perhaps a label would have been nice in that situation...
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