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June
13 , 2002 - From Frog of Fortune, my short-lived, yet dynamic
school newspaper column.
Original Print date: 11.21.01
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Giant,
loveable ape Donkey Kong, seen here atop a construction site,
assails Mario with a limitless hail of barrels. Meanwhile, Mario's
girlfriend spies the street below for a more attractive man.
She might as well, since Mario's going to get sucked into the
Mushroom Kingdom in four years, anyway.
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Indulging
myself with a video game is a luxury that I enjoy every few days.
One of the elements of video games that has recently intrigued me
are the villains. If I play an action game, I don't make much progress
before I am unceremoniously disemboweled by some giant horsefly,
shredded by a swarm of angry ninjas or squished by a mammoth, laser-blasting
robot. Sure, these guys defeated me with ease, but why were they
after me, anyway? Video game villains have strange motives, be they
preventing a chef from making delicious hamburgers or hurling a
slow bartender into the street. Let us take a stroll through video
game history and review why villains feel the urge to reduce heroes
to a gooey paste.
Donkey
Kong was Nintendo's first big success in the United States.
Featuring an angry, barrel-hurling, girlfriend-stealing ape
monster and a plumber destined for video game superstardom,
Donkey Kong was an instant classic. The plot of the
game, however, is vague. Gorillas do not exactly have a use
for plumber girlfriends, as far as I know. So why did Donkey
Kong kidnap Mario's girlfriend? And why did Donkey Kong mercilessly
pelt Mario with barrels? I can only assume that Donkey Kong
had a clog in the drain of his cage at the zoo, and kidnapped
Mario's girlfriend in order to lure Mario to the Problem.
Still, that does not explain why Donkey Kong attempted to
smash Mario with barrels and other heavy projectiles.
While
navigating the streets along your paper route, avoid the
killer breakdancers! 80s music is more than their ears can
handle, and they will not hear your shrieks of horror as
you careen into them.
Burgertime's
villains, the walking hot-dog, pickle, and egg. These nasties
would give anyone enough incentive to flee in terror as
they protect their ingredient brethren from the chef.
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Paperboy
seems like an innocent game: avoid obstacles and deliver your
precious cargo without shattering windows or otherwise senselessly
vandalizing the property of the customers. It sounds easy, right?
Not in the case of an Atari-produced game like Paperboy,
in which a simple task suddenly escalates into a battle for
survival. The paperboy must defend himself against drunk pedestrians,
unruly children with fireworks, ongoing fistfights and bad drivers,
just to name a few of the myriad of hazards that await our hero.
I've never delivered a newspaper, and after playing Paperboy,
I certainly do not want to if it means swerving into oncoming
traffic to avoid some moron breakdancing in the street. I am
not, nor will I ever be convinced that these careless individuals
are not purposely harassing the paperboy.
Let us
not forget the arcade classic Burgertime. The chef
must assemble novely-sized burgers by walking over the oversized
parts of the burger, dropping them onto enormous sesame seed
buns. However, the chef is opposed by walking hot-dogs, eggs,
and pickles. That's right, walking hot-dogs, eggs, and pickles.
There have been reports of Burgertime frightening
young children, and now I understand why. A young mind subjected
to the horrors of walking food can be changed forever, especially
when the child sees those hot-dogs chasing after the chef.
I know I love hot-dogs. Think of what may have happened to
me if I played Burgertime too early in life. I may
be shying away from hot-dogs to this day out of fear of the
hot-dogs growing legs and chasing me around the house. What
if the hot-dogs massed and formed a society of hot-dog people?
The result of a revolution like that could be disastrous.
Sporting events would be deprived of a best-selling food product.
Hot-dog buns would become obsolete. The shoes and pigeons
that are usually ingredients in hot-dogs would be spared of
a horrible fate.
That,
my friends, is why the creators of Burgertime should
have thought of more creative villains for their game. Walking
hot-dogs, eggs and pickles overstimulate already overactive
minds like mine.
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Frog cried upon his brother's completion of both Bionic
Commando and Super Mario Bros. 3. To this day,
he doesn't know why. He was in first grade, but really, who
cries when someone else beats a game?
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