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June
27, 2003 - Us hotheads say umbrellas suck, and you will listen to
us!
Part
One: Lucas hates umbrellas.
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| Supervillain
Danny Devito is all about causing pain and suffering via the
umbrella. |
I hate umbrellas
for numerous reasons. The first reason is that the rain has to be
traveling exactly perpendicular to the ground for the umbrella to
do any good. Any slanting rain and you are still getting wet.
The
second reason is that they are completely susceptible to wind. Not
only does wind cause the aforementioned slanting rain it also causes
umbrellas to turn inside out and sometimes even blow out of your
hands.
The
third reason is that if you walk too fast or the rain slants
your legs get wet anyways. So, then your pants stick to your
legs when you walk and it feels really nasty. I'd rather have
my shirt sticking to my torso than my pants sticking to my
lower-body. And then, umbrellas are really inconsiderate.
All the rain that falls on them is gathered in a steady stream
and dumped somewhere. It could be on the person walking next
to you or even on yourself. Not to mention the fact that for
my specific height the little pointy edges of the umbrella
are at perfect eye poking range. Any average height person's
umbrella can and will attempt to stab me in my eye. For me
it is like I'm dodging bullets in the matrix just walking,
except they would make me blind, and they aren't moving as
fast, and I can't fly, and I'm not The One.
|
| This
is a neat picture. Too bad it has umbrellas in it instead of
something cool, like machine guns, samurai swords or, if nothing
else, umbrellas that turn into machine guns or samurai swords. |
Then,
the final thing is just the carrying around of an umbrella itself.
Like before you use it you aren't even sure if you are going to
need it, so you hate having to bring it everywhere. Then I am likely
to accidentally leave it laying around somewhere. I bet that umbrellas
are the most lost item in the world. Also, once you've used it,
it's all damp and nasty to the touch and there is no good way to
let it dry out without setting people up to trip over it.
The
final reason that I dislike umbrellas is because of the spelling.
It is just too zany for me.
Part
Two: Frog also hates umbrellas.
Like
Lucas, I also have a fond distaste for umbrellas, which I seem to
use all the time. But allow me to enlighten you with some disturbing
information: they're worthless. Umbrellas do about as much good
protecting you from the rain as they would protecting you from nuclear
meltdown.
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| Low-budget
nuclear protection at work. This barren wasteland was once Richmond,
Virginia. |
Now, you might
say that umbrellas are not totally worthless. They can and do offer
adequte protection from the sun, as Michael Jackson has consistently
shown us over the past year or so. But look, that's not really the
issue at hand, Michael. We're trying to tell you how much umbrellas
suck, and this just isn't helping our case. So please, by all means,
rain on our parade. We need it to tell you that you'll get better
protection from rain by strapping a Wal-Mart bag to your face in monsoon
season than you are trying to hide under an umbrella in even the gentlest
of showers.
As far as I
can see, there is one advantage to using an umbrella: it sometimes
keeps you dry. But, from my experience, this only works in light
rain, and you usually get pretty wet, anyway. Your head and the
top of your shirt are dry, sure, but the rest of you either got
hit by drainage from the umbrella or by raindrops coming in at an
angle. By now, your socks are wet, which means you're miserable
regardless of whether or not you're lugging around a bumbershoot,
are a millionaire, or won a free haircut (or two). In the case of
a torrential downpour, you might as well kiss your supple, dry,
and dermatologically unirritated ass goodbye. That umbrella is certainly
not going to help, as the rain might as well be osmosing right through
it, ruining your entire day. Whatever you happened to be carrying
around with you is now ruined, and everyone is giving you dirty
looks because you smell like a wet dog covered in sewage it shared
with another wet dog. So, tell me, how did the umbrella
help?
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| I
don't know what frightening corner of Internet Land Lucas got
this picture from, but it's utterly priceless. |
People with umbrellas
are inconsiderate, including myself. Guys walk around with those giant
golf umbrellas so they can pick up clusters of girls and ferry them
around to wherever they need to go. Why do I find this inconsiderate?
Mostly because I'm the guy who has to dodge the floodwater pouring
off the giant golf umbrellas. There's nothing worse than when someone
decides to make walking to class a battle for survival. On the other
end of the spectrum are the people who don't have umbrellas, all of
whom make me feel like the biggest jerk ever. My umbrella is only
a one-seater (stander? Coverer? Jerk-maker?), so I feel terrible anytime
I see somebody else walking around without one. Even if I could comfortably
fit another person under my umbrella, I don't have the gusto to actually
offer my services to anyone else. I'm also paranoid about leaving
my umbrella somewhere, or dumping floodwater on other people with
it. Did I mention that umbrellas grossly hinder your ability to see...
well, pretty much everything?
One time I got
stabbed in the back of the head with an umbrella. That doesn't improve
my opinion of them in the slightest. However, this brings me to
the one thing I find absolutely delightful about umbrellas--that
being umbrella fights. Like these guys are doing in this picture.
Now that's class.
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