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August
3, 2002 - Common sense succumbs to greed, stupidity. Again.
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| Caesar
Barber, seen here fishing in his pockets for Rolaids, says fast
food restaurants are responsible for his obesity. Not pictured:
Barber's interviewer desperately struggles to not laugh on live
television. |
Many stupid, stupid
lawsuits have come and gone over the past few years. Hell, half of
them are probably still in court. You have the guy who sued M&M's
because he thought his lip was a delicious candy treat. You have people
who sue because they can't drink beverages without burning themselves
horribly or electrically shocking themselves into oblivion. Even the
Columbine parents sued entertainment because two morons thought their
school was the magical fantasy world in which Doom takes place.
Unfortunately,
all of these frivolous suits are going to be put to shame by a fat
man with no common sense, no willpower, and apparently featuring
a lack of eyesight and personal well-being. Caesar Barber, New York
maintenance guy and hapless glutton, filed a class action lawsuit
against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
He seeks compensation for himself and others who became fat from
eating fast food. His lawyer, Samual "The Suing Samurai"
Hirsch, says fast food restaurants are obligated to warn customers
about the dangers of eating their food.
Now I'm no fancy
southern lawyer (*gasp*), but it seems to me that these fast food
restaurants do provide nutritional information on their food. I've
seen it. They have big posters on the walls that list all their
food and enough nutritional information on every item to put a Subway
advertisement to shame. Oh, wait, Hirsch says this information is
"confusing." I take this as meaning people will sacrifice
their own integrity for money. I refuse to believe that a 56 year
old man can't understand even part of a nutritional information
chart. He may be a blue-collar slob, but that's not a significant
excuse. Furthermore, if he uses his blue-collar status as an excuse,
then he might as well spit in the face of every other blue-collar
worker on the planet. So, if he's dumb enough to not understand
nutritional facts, I'll take a few moments to clarify matters:
Calorie - Too
many makes you fat.
Fat (in grams)
- Blitheringly obvious. Confusing... how, exactly? Americans are
so dumb.
Dumbassium (also
in grams) - Makes select non-glandular problem fat people believe
it is not their own fault they are fat.
Bleh, this bit
is dying. You get my point.
The worst part
of this is that the guy acts like he just woke up one morning and
was inexplicably fat. I don't care if the guy lives in New York,
which, let's not forget, may increase his chances of being inherently
stupid. Becoming obese is a gradual thing. If Barber didn't see
it coming, not only through observation of his increasing mass,
but also from the ridiculous amount of media coverage on America's
growing obesity epidemic, he has even less of a case than I originally
thought.
Barber sez:
"They said '100 percent beef.' I thought that meant it was
good for you. I thought the food was OK. Those people in the advertisements
don't really tell you what's in the food. It's all fat, fat and
more fat. Now I'm obese."
Listen here,
Rummy. You are either history's greatest moron or history's greatest
moron's mentor's inspiration. People have been fooled by false advertisements
for years and years, and you really believe you, of all people,
have a case based on this? Furthermore, even if their food really
was 100% beef, that doesn't mean that you can eat five pounds of
it a day and become an international soccer star.
The biggest
reason this lawsuit will fail is based on the fact that Barber isn't
taking responsibility for his own actions, instead blaming them
on the easy target that is big business. Dude, you ate the food,
therefore it's your fault. People are responsible for their own
actions. You weren't forced to eat it. This is the same crap that's
really been burning my brownies ever since the Columbine parents
filed their lawsuit. Business, no matter how big or corrupt or granfalloon
it may be, is not responsible for the actions of the consumer.
A final message
to Fatty McFatfat: Get up off your ass and get some exercise if
you're so damn fat and unhealthy! The lawyers can't win every battle
for you. Lay off the triple cheeseburgers and start walking 20 minutes
a day or something. It's pretty sad you're willing to spend actual
money on a lawyer to solve this problem for you when you could probably
save money by not eating so friggin' much.
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Professional
assassins like Duke Togo, aka Golgo 13, think that Caesar
Barber is rather dense, refusing him the honor of his service.
Shouldn't you? |
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