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The
System is, arguably, one of the true evils of this world
(it's right up there with Disney, OPEC, AOL/Time Warner, etc. and
is occasionally linked to these vile corporations). Its sole purpose:
To dishearten, to brainwash, and generally just bend the human race
to its twisted will. The System includes a wide
range of organizations, rules, and regulations. These can range
from a class schedule, to sleezy parking garage policies, to Microsoft.
This is an ever growing guide that can teach you, the reader and
fellow victim of The System, how to evade The
System's villainous tactics, turn around and trip it, and
finally beat it into submission with a really big stick, run it
over with a lawnmower or... all right, so I'm getting way carried
away. Just shut up and do what I say.
WARNING!
System-beating tactics are to be used at your own risk. Even I'm
not stupid enough to do some of the things that I relate here. If
you get in trouble for using these tactics irresponsibly, let these
words be etched into your pitiful brain as you rot behind bars:
"I should have looked at that warning before trying to bring
down that company from the inside!"
Tactic
#1: Slacking - This one's pretty basic, and just about
everyone knows about it. Basically, you get extra sleep by not doing
some homework, and do it the next day at some point in time before
that particular class. May result in a lack of nourishment due to
the skipping of lunch. It's free, it's efficient, and it works.
The System has no method of overcoming slacking. WARNING! Can be
extremely addictive, especially towards the end of the year. Use
sparingly. Can be used in conjunction with Tactic #2.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Basically
nonexistant.
Tactic
#2: Cheating - A step up from slacking, this method involves
the portraying of someone else's work as your own. Utilized by copying,
stealing, or buying someone else's work. Also, in the world of sports
or gaming, cheating is any form of rule-breaking that results in
an advantage for the individual(s) breaking the rule. Your chances
of being caught by The System in cheating are slightly higher than
your chances of being caught slacking.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Low.
Tactic
#3: Boycotting - A powerful method of persuasion that The
System really hates. Particularly effective against the British
Empire. One word: Gandhi. All he had to do was say "I'm not
gonna buy your salt" to the British, and he got what he wanted
(before he was shot by that jackass, Godse), and his accomplishments
eventually helped in India's freedom from the British Empire. But
enough history! Boycotting can be used in just about any situation
that involves having to buy something, or can be used to express
dissatisfaction in a product of some sort. Don't come crying to
me if boycotting doesn't work. You're probably just doing something
wrong.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Not very
high (it all depends on what your boycott involves, for example,
violence). The more dangerous your boycott seems, the chances of
The System coming after you increase.
Tactic
#4: Smuggling - By this, I don't mean drugs, stupid. I'm
talking about stuffing your pockets with candy from home before
waltzing in a movie theater in order to save precious cash by not
buying the stuff that Hollywood can't steal any profits from. I'm
talking about packing sodas into your fanny-pack before entering
the ballpark. If you think about it logically, why wouldn't you
disagree with this tactic?
Threat of being beaten by The System: Post-September
11 has made smuggling a lil' more difficult than it used to be,
especially at big events. It mostly depends on paranoia of employees,
or where you go. If you get searched or patted down, you may be
finished depending on how much the people doing the dirty work care.
Tactic
#5: Sabotage - Do you enjoy breaking things? Good. Would
you like to break something in order to beat The System? Good. Sabotage
is just the thing for you. While you don't necessarily have to destroy
something for this to work, damaging things is more likely to help
you vent anger or frustration. In any case, The System likes its
technology, and technological failure is a victory against them.
They also have to spend a lotta money to fix whatever you screwed
up, so you can kill two birds with one stone.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Moderate.
The problem with this tactic is that it can get you into a lot of
trouble. Being caught tinkering with something you're not suppose
to for personal gain is not a good thing. Then again, you're not
getting anywhere if there are hidden cameras on you at all hours,
now are you?
Tactic
#6: Ransom - Something has been taken from you unfairly.
Your rights, your priviledges... your brand-new [insert item of
extreme value here]. Now, You want it back. You want to be reimbursed.
You want sweet, sweet revenge. What do you do? Fight fire with fire,
and take something from your adversary. Oh, your antagonist can
have it back... FOR A PRICE! It's called ransom, my friends. As
in, holding something or someone hostage until your demands are
met. Works better when utilized with the help of firearms, hired
goons, or both.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Moderate.
It all depends on how far you take it. Ransom would not be a good
method of getting back small, insignificant junk. Use it to get
cars, children, the remote control that can blow up the planet,
etc., out of the clutches of mean people.
Tactic
#7: Riotting - Okay, you and a large angry mob are upset
because [insert person(s) of importance here] did [insert action
of disapproval here], and you want to make your point known. So,
you and the angry mob take to the streets and start fires, loot
and pillage local businesses, or some other stupid act that will
get attention for yourselves. A very stupid method of beating The
System, but I have listed it here nevertheless.
Threat of being beaten by The System: High, and
I hope you do get caught, because riotting is really lame and should
only be used to discourage unauthorized dictatorships overseas.
When done in celebration of something, riotting is even more stupid.
Tactic
#8: Idle Threats - This one is EASY to figure out. Just
threaten someone's life, and they are bound to do whatever you tell
them! Note: Overuse of the Idle Threat makes it less and less effective
each time it is used.
Threat of being beaten by The System: None, really.
Unless the person(s) take the threats seriously. Then you've got
possible jail time on your hands with today's legal system.
Tactic
#9: Mafia Intervention - Get in touch with your local Mafia
representative and request an increase in business for your place
of employment. The Mafia will be happy to shut all other similar
businesses down, as long as they get a little something in return.
Easy, and 50% safe!
Threat of being beaten by The System: Umm... er...
none. Yes, that's right, none. I must go now.
Tactic
#10: Bribery - Well... you need something done. Wouldn't
the world be a wonderful place if stuff that you needed to be done
would just be done? Unfortunately, that just doesn't happen. Most
of the time, it is necessary to rely on... unsavory tactics... to
get anything done. This is where bribery comes into play. That's
right, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. What to bribe with?
Oh I don't know... a little money, jewelry, alcohol... something
like that. A large portion of America's population consists of those
that are easily bribed. For example, drinkers, smokers, computer
nerds, athletes, gamblers, the Mafia, and of course... Congress.
Yes! Your local Congress(wo)man is easily swayed by a little something
slipped under the table.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Eh, it kinda
depends on who you bribe and what you're offering. Congressman,
bum, alcoholic = low. Police officer, Mafia = high.
Tactic
#11: Counterfeiting - This covers a variety of things:
Money, IDs, you name it. An effective method of buying things that
you wouldn't otherwise be able to buy, due to age restrictions or
lack of non-fake money.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Depends on
what is actually being counterfeited (is that a real word?). Fake
money is usually traced pretty easily. Fake IDs work well if they
look real. Printing out a fake ID on a napkin or something is going
to get you nowhere fast. Not recommended unless you have the means
necessary to counterfeit effectively.
Tactic
#12: Importing - If you're like me, you realize that there
is a lot of cool stuff in Japan (i.e. Godzilla, technology,
Godzilla's monster friends, etc.) that usually never makes it state-side.
But you really want that cool stuff! How do you get it? Simple.
Import it. While the price is usually quite high (i.e. up to $60
for a set of some 2-3 music CD's), it's usually worth it.
Threat of being beaten by The System: None... pending
you don't import some Manga or something that has nudity in it,
and Mommy or Daddy catches you reading it. Uh-oh!
Tactic
#13: Truancy - Sometimes, parents go out of town, or are
at work, and you just don't wake up when your alarm goes off. You've
missed the bus, and you junked your car last night taking a turn
a little too quickly, or maybe you don't even have a car. So...
how do you get to school? Well, if you lived 20 miles from school
like I did, you don't have much of a choice. You stay home. It's
not that bad. You'll miss a day, but it only takes a couple of hours
to get caught up. This is also a decent way to get an extra day
to sleep, work on a long-term assignment, sleep, study for a mutant
super-test, or sleep.
Threat of being beaten by The System: As long as
you're not an idiot and don't go walking around town during the
day (and even then you're in no serious danger), you don't really
have anything to worry about.
Tactic
#14: Blackmail - You have come across a startling story
about one of your acquaintances! You can keep this information confidential,
or you can use it to take advantage of your acquaintance. You could
keep quiet for free answers to homework, money, bodyguard services,
etc.
Threat of being beaten by The System: You're pretty
immoral if you use this on your friends, but I'm all for using it
to take advantage of any corrupt business, classmate, or anyone
you think you can finagle stuff from. Be careful, though. One slip
of the tongue and it's adios to free stuff, bonjour to damp prison
cell or back-alley dumpster.
Tactic
#15: Hacking - Basically, you break into the computer system
of some person or organization you don't like and/or need information
from. I don't do this, so I don't really have a lot of info on it.
It sure looked easy on The Lone Gunmen, but it probably
requires some work.
Threat of being beaten by The System: The more
powerful the organization you try to break into, the higher your
chances of being caught are.
Tactic
#16: Faking an Injury - This is used to exploit The System's
handicapped facilities. Fake an injury to get a ride on the injury-only
elevator, go to the front of lines at Six-Flags or any other amusement
park, or get handicap benefits as an employee at a business. Note:
this tactic is approved by the one and only Ricky Feiner.
Threat of being beaten by The System: Good acting
skills are nice to have, but not necessary. Just don't foul up your
fakery, and you can't be refused.
Tactic
#17: Bootlegging - This
used to be a popular thing to do back in the Prohibition days (there's
that history again), but bootlegging is pretty common today. Not
bathtub gin, mind you, but you can get bootlegs of movies and music
and toys and all sorts of merchandise. The quality is usually not
very good, but hey, it's cheap!
Threat of being beaten by The System: I honestly
don't know, but there sure is a lot of it out there. I think some
guy with a bootleg of Attack of the Clones got caught,
but really, what are the odds? Like I usually say, as long as you're
not a complete idiot, you probably have some chance of pulling it
off.
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